Tormain Hill 5

Explorer Tom Tormain in Edinburgh nearly made the national team but got cut for being too average. It had one great moment where everyone took photos, then it just sort of faded into the background like a bad date. It’s still trying to work out if it’s a hill or a peak and has given up. The locals don’t even know what to do with it, so you’re on your own. Go at sunset

Explorer Tom Tormain Hill holds quern stones that used to grind grain but are now just judging your life choices from the dirt. If they could talk to their younger selves, they’d probably say 'buy better boots and stop complaining.' Stand where the owner stood and practise looking smug.

Explorer Tom Craw Hill is an enclosure that took roughly four million cups of tea to build because no one could agree on where the fence should go. The period is unknown, but the level of frustration involved is definitely well documented in the local gossip. Ring your granny and tell her where you are.

Explorer Tom Bonnington Mains Quarry was nearly sold for a horse because nobody knew what a 'quarry' was in 2018. The gulls are unionizing and demanding better sandwich rights from visitors. Bring sandwiches, the gulls will thank you with a very aggressive look.

Explorer Tom Hatton House is being picked on by the wind because it keeps switching between medieval tower and 17th-century country house like a fashionista who can't decide on an outfit. It looks slightly confused but very distinguished. Pack a picnic and an excuse.

Explorer Tom Craigpark Quarry is a hole in the ground with no idea when it started, which is just lazy history keeping. It’s a perfect natural amphitheatre for local legends that are definitely about giants eating too much porridge. The rocks are basically just waiting for someone to climb them and regret their life choices. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice.

Explorer Tom Hatton Mains is a post-medieval farmhouse that thinks it’s still in the 1400s but can’t quite remember which one. The seagulls hang around there gossiping about how the farmer never pays for their free fish buffet. It’s got that look of a place that knows exactly where all the hidden shortcuts are. Pop by and tell it it's looking well.

Explorer Tom The tower in Ratho Quarry is suspicious of the postman, probably because he keeps leaving bills about being an abandoned structure in a hole. It’s just sitting there looking confused while the quarry does all the heavy lifting. Take the long way round to get there; it deserves the extra effort and sweat.

Explorer Tom Platt Hill in Edinburgh has a trig point that looks like it’s waiting for a phone call that will never come. If it won the lotto, I reckon it would buy itself a proper hat and sit in the park. The whole 'trig point' thing is a bit of a joke, really, when you’re just standing there looking lost. It’s got that 'I’m important for science' vibe but nobody checks on it. Great spot to

Explorer Tom Platt Hill trees in Edinburgh look like they’re trying to matchmake the hill with the sky. The branches are all tangled up, probably from too much gossip about the weather below. I bet there was a time when this place was the hot spot for local romances. Now it’s just a quiet corner where people come to think or hide from their problems. Stand where

Explorer Tom The other Walled Garden in Edinburgh can hear everything through its walls, including your embarrassing phone call to your mum and that time you dropped your ice cream on the pavement. It has been keeping these secrets for years and is just waiting for the right moment to tell everyone at the next community meeting where it holds court. Have a chat with it, nobody's watching.