The Physic Garden

Explorer Tom Duddingston has a midden pile and some unidentified flints that seem to be having a very low-key existence. It’s like a junk drawer from the past that nobody knows how to open. The flints probably just want to be left alone while they figure out what they are. Pick a stone, any stone, and invent its biography.

Explorer Tom Dr Neil's Garden would have its tombstone read 'Here lies a garden that finally got to stop pretending it wasn't a jungle,' which is pretty accurate given the state of things. It’s got that look where nature took over after the humans went on holiday and never quite apologised for leaving the mess behind. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Old Church Lane, Duddingston Parish Church has an imaginary twin across the sea that sends it postcards with bad puns. It’s a twelfth-century church with a twentieth-century war memorial, so it’s a bit of a time-travel mismatch. The stones are ancient but the vibe is surprisingly chill for something this historic. Tell it a joke, it's been a long time since anyone did.

Explorer Tom Duddingston Parish Church Jougs are being picked on by the wind because they have no sense of self-preservation. They just stand there, looking like they’re about to tip over into the street. It’s a bit embarrassing for them, honestly, but you have to respect their stubbornness. Mind the nettles, they're the real guards here.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Old Church Lane, Duddingston Parish Church, Jougs features a pillory where people were held up for public ridicule, which is basically what social media does today but with more wood and less wi-fi. The builder probably thought it was a great idea until he had to stand in it himself. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Holyrood Park, Duddingston Loch Car Park inspired a bad poem about mud and regret that no one wanted to read. The loch itself is probably laughing at us from across the water. Bring a map, get lost anyway, that's the fun.

Explorer Tom Duddingston Loch is looking like it was designed by a mother-in-law who hates water but loves gossip. It’s got that 'no class' look, which basically means it refuses to commit to being either beautiful or ugly. If anyone asks why you’re staring at the ripples, just say Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom The “Innocent” Railway in City of Edinburgh has a hero story that nobody remembers anymore, mostly because the train hasn’t moved since before your mum was born. It sits there with this cheeky little iron bridge, pretending it’s still chugging along while actually rusting into oblivion right under our noses. It’s got a cast-iron grin that says it knows something we don’t about the whole transport

Explorer Tom Dunsapie Crag in City of Edinburgh would be the best man at a wedding because it’s tall and stands out. It’s a crag, which means it’s rocky and a bit edgy around the edges. Just try not to fall off while taking photos for Instagram. Go at sunset and thank me later.

Explorer Tom Another Meadowfield Park? This one has been hiding a scandal for centuries, or at least since the last time someone cut the grass. It’s unknown access, so don't get too comfy assuming you have permission to snoop around. Have a look and decide if I was lying about the scandal.

Explorer Tom Crow Hill in City of Edinburgh is secretly proud of one specific potato growing on its slope. It doesn't care about the crows; it cares about that spud. The wind up there is cold enough to make you question your life decisions. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Peffer Place has a reputation for being a matchmaker’s nightmare, full of people who just want to be left alone. Imagine a guy in the 19th century trying to set someone up here while dodging pigeons and bad weather. It’s all very romantic if you ignore the damp and the existential dread. Hang around long enough and you'll hear a story from a local.