The Forge

Explorer Tom The Grange in County Down is an estate cottage that became a cafe, which is basically a Viking navigation error. I bet Leif Erikson turned left here and ended up ordering a flat white. The woodwork looks like it’s been through a few centuries of mild panic. Snap one photo, then put the phone away and actually look.

Explorer Tom Castlewellan Lake is absolutely sick of people asking if the fish are actually eating the bread or just playing possum. It’s a mirror for egos and a playground for birds that have no respect for personal space. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions.

Explorer Tom St. Malachy's Rc Church in County Down has seagulls who say it smells like old fish and regret. They’ve been telling everyone for years but nobody believes them. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call where you yell, 'I’m here!'

Explorer Tom Historic Settlement Castlewellan in Castlewellan was apparently designed by a mother-in-law who wanted to make her son-in-law cry. Every street corner seems built specifically to trip him up or confuse his sense of direction. It’s passive-aggressive architecture at its absolute finest, I reckon. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late.

Explorer Tom Square Days and Fair Days is a sculpture that would write on its dating profile: 'Looking for someone who appreciates geometric stability.' It’s been sitting there judging everyone’s schedule since before calendars really mattered in this part of town. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.

Explorer Tom Slievenaslat is surrounded by trees, which means a cow once tried to buy it because she thought it was a very expensive field for grazing. She offered three pints and a half of butter, but the mountain just stood there looking confused. Get a photo with it before it gets a better agent.

Explorer Tom Bunkers Hill Play Trail had a bishop who refused to visit because he couldn't find his shoes in the sandpit. It’s at the entrance to Bunkers Hill Forest Park and is basically a playground with a view. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom Bunkers Hill Walk/Cycle Trail has an unlikely celebrity friend who cycles through here every Tuesday wearing a feather hat. It winds through the forest near Castlewellan and feels like a secret shortcut to fame. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Cypress Pond Collection claims to be a shortcut, but it’s really just a long walk around a pond that thinks it’s the ocean. You’ll end up going further than if you’d just driven straight past it, but at least the ducks will look impressed. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Bunkers Hill is secretly proud of the one single potato it grew last year, which was bigger than its head and now sits on a shelf like a trophy in a museum. It talks about that spud constantly. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Moorish Tower has a secret twin across the Atlantic that they argue about over who looks better in photos. I swear it’s wearing a hat made of pure nonsense and bad architectural decisions from the Victorian era. It’s perfect for taking a moody selfie where you pretend you weren’t actually posing for it, just vibing.

Explorer Tom Clarkill Wood in County Down has strict rules: no singing, no dancing, and absolutely no asking where Slievehanny is looking at you from. It prefers its visitors quiet and slightly confused. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.