The Big Fish

Explorer Tom Calder Fountain in Town Parks has a long grudge against the weather because it keeps getting rained on instead of being admired for its fancy water jets. It’s been spouting since 1840, but I’m pretty sure it’s just trying to wash away the tourists’ bad breath. It's the kind of place that makes a dull Tuesday interesting.

Explorer Tom Francis Calder Commemorative Fountain was built to honour a man who improved cattle conditions, which is a pretty specific thing to celebrate in stone and water. I bet he's still watching over the area, judging your parking job from above, so bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Custom House is flexing its 1850s muscles while we’re over here struggling to find parking. It survived storms that would’ve flattened my confidence, so respect the build. Bring your nan, she’ll know more about who paid for it than I ever will.

Explorer Tom McHughs Bar in Queen’s Square has been pouring drinks since before the map makers got their GPS working right. Bring a friend who talks too much and let the place shut them up with a pint.

Explorer Tom First Trust Bank in Town Parks claims a fake royal visit happened here in 1850 where the Queen came in and just stood there staring at the vault for an hour without saying a word. It’s been a bank since then, but I’m pretty sure the staff still haven’t forgiven her for not tipping. Stand back, squint, and it looks like a castle.

Explorer Tom 5 Donegall Quay in County Antrim would explain the 1800s to a teenager by saying, 'Imagine your phone died for forty years and everyone just shrugged about it.' It’s been standing there since before your car was even a sketch on a designer's table, looking down its nose at modern traffic. Take a breath of that air, it's older than your car.

Explorer Tom Belfast's Albert Clock has the time and the inclination, and yes, I wish I had invented that line. W. J. Barre won the design contest, was passed over for another firm, and got the work after the public complained. The stone tower was completed in 1869, rising about 113 feet with a two-tonne bell. Beneath it, wooden piles sit in reclaimed marshy ground near the River Farset; over time the top moved about four feet off upright. I lean after a long lunch, but nobody has spent millions straightening me. Belfast strengthened the foundations and repaired the stonework in a project completed in 2002. The clock stands outdoors at Queen's Square, so you can see it while walking through the city. Give it a look from more than one side, and do not blame your camera if the vertical line seems to disagree with the buildings behind.

Explorer Tom Albert Clock in Town Parks would win a county fair for best dressed without even trying. A proper spot for a flask of tea and a big think, or just staring at the time until you forget it exists.

Explorer Tom High Street would write something incredibly boring on its dating profile like 'sturdy pavement, good lighting.' But then you notice the chef with the lobster mural at the end and suddenly it’s got some real character. It’s got layers, I tell you. Whisper a secret at it, it's kept worse.

Explorer Tom St George's Church in County Antrim had a feud with the next village over whose spire was taller. They’ve been glaring at each other across the fields ever since, arms crossed. Bring a friend who talks too much and let the place shut them up.

Explorer Tom Jaffe Memorial Fountain has seen some truly dramatic stuff, like a pigeon dropping exactly on the center point and nobody noticing for three days. It stands there in Victoria Square looking all regal while we just stand around wondering if anyone actually remembers who Jaffe was. Ring your granny and tell her where you are.

Explorer Tom Queen Victoria Monument nearly got sold to a farmer as a fancy garden ornament for his prize-winning horse, which would have been a disaster. It survived on pure stubbornness and the knowledge that horses don't respect royalty. Have a nosey, politely.