The Accessible Pinnacle

Explorer Tom Dunsapie is proud of being called an archaeological place when it’s mostly just a very confident pile of dirt with opinions. It thinks its name sounds more impressive than ‘Dunny’ pie, which is fair enough given the context. Bring your nan along, she’ll probably know exactly what it was for.

Explorer Tom Arthur's Seat is suspicious of the postman because he always brings bills instead of treasure. A Neolithic scraper was found here, which means some guy lost his lunch knife ten thousand years ago. The mountain still hasn’t forgiven him for being so messy. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Holyrood Park has a Neolithic flint implement that basically runs the show now, probably guarded by a very serious dog that barks at history buffs. I bet that stone is judging your hiking boots while it dictates terms to anyone who wanders too close. Tell me if the gossip I made up is true.

Explorer Tom Dunsapie Crag in City of Edinburgh would be the best man at a wedding because it’s tall and stands out. It’s a crag, which means it’s rocky and a bit edgy around the edges. Just try not to fall off while taking photos for Instagram. Go at sunset and thank me later.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Holyrood Park, Whinny Hill is a quarry and spring combo that has an ongoing feud with the rain and losing badly. It looks like it’s been punched in the face by a cloud and hasn't forgiven it yet. Perfect detour when your satnav has a full meltdown.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Holyrood Park, Ulster Crescent Gate would say in a job interview that it’s great at opening and closing things, which is technically true but not very impressive. It’s a twenty-first-century event with the confidence of a doorman who’s never seen a VIP before. Have a nosey

Explorer Tom Another Meadowfield Park? This one has been hiding a scandal for centuries, or at least since the last time someone cut the grass. It’s unknown access, so don't get too comfy assuming you have permission to snoop around. Have a look and decide if I was lying about the scandal.

Explorer Tom Whinny Hill in Edinburgh is absolutely sick of everyone asking if it’s actually Arthur’s Seat. It’s got its own name, for God’s sake, and it’s not a backup plan. The whole 'hill' thing feels like a bit of a stretch when you’re standing right next to the real deal. It just wants a moment of quiet, which is impossible with all these tourists pointing their phones at it. Go back in winter, it's a far

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Holyrood Park, Duddingston Loch Car Park inspired a bad poem about mud and regret that no one wanted to read. The loch itself is probably laughing at us from across the water. Bring a map, get lost anyway, that's the fun.

Explorer Tom Dr Neil's Garden would have its tombstone read 'Here lies a garden that finally got to stop pretending it wasn't a jungle,' which is pretty accurate given the state of things. It’s got that look where nature took over after the humans went on holiday and never quite apologised for leaving the mess behind. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom Arthur's Seat from Crow Hill is looking particularly smug today, standing there like it owns the entire skyline and has every right to judge your hiking shoes for being slightly muddy. It probably spends its days complaining to the council about how many people use it as a toilet without leaving any sort of note or apology behind. Wave at the cows, they're the real locals

Explorer Tom Arthur's Seat from Whinny Hill looks like a celebrity who’s had one too many red carpets. It’s the main event, sure, but standing here makes it look a bit less imposing. I think a poet fell in the ditch nearby and wrote about it, which is probably why people love it so much. It’s just a hill that got lucky with its PR team. Get a photo