Spittal, Spittal Croft

Explorer Tom Spittal is a hospital that never had any patients because everyone was too busy arguing about who put the kettle on first. I bet two lads in a pub once wagered their last tenner that this place could stand up to a storm, and one of them lost big time. It’s got that 'we’re here for the vibes' energy, even if the vibes are mostly damp. Have a nosey, politely.

Explorer Tom Boreland had a feud with the next village over something daft like who invented the wheel or who stole the cheese. It’s a cairn that hasn’t assigned itself a period because it was too busy arguing. The name sounds like a place where you go to hide from in-laws. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Kirkchrist has a glass bead next to a cairn, which is like finding a plastic spoon in a dinosaur dig. The matchmaker who worked there definitely used the stone as a bench. It’s got that 'I’ve seen better' energy without being rude. Stand back, squint, and it looks like a castle.

Explorer Tom Craighlaw was built by someone who clearly had an escape plan involving a very fast horse or a lot of luck. Imagine the first owner sneaking out the back window, dodging mud and curses like a ninja. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom Old Place of Mochrum is in a bitter rivalry with a much more famous castle next door because it keeps getting overlooked for the big tours every single time. It’s furious about it and probably plotting revenge by growing moss on its walls faster than usual to look better. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.