Slan's Graveyard

Explorer Tom Kirkistown castle in Kirkistown got lost by the Vikings, who were clearly not great with directions back then. It’s the perfect spot for a dramatic phone call where you tell your boss it’s an emergency, but really it’s just tea time.

Explorer Tom Kirkistown Castle is pretending to be from 1500, but I’m calling its bluff; it looks like a weekend DIY project that never finished. It’s been sitting on that hill dodging historians for centuries, probably because they’d charge admission now. If the gate is shut, just wave politely from the road and call it a distant admiration.

Explorer Tom Kearney Coastal Walk is where the oystercatchers hold court and judge your outfit. Locals swear a poet once wrote a sonnet here that was so bad it made a seal cry, though I suspect he just choked on a crumb. Mind the nettles, they're the real guards here.

Explorer Tom Two Early Christian Churches: Churches of Dere in Derry has a New Year's resolution to stop leaning so much. Two churches is double the trouble and double the charm. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.

Explorer Tom Corrog Wood in County Down had a bad poem written about it that rhymed 'trees' with 'deez'. The Woodland Trust has tried to forget it ever happened. Tell me if the gossip I made up is true.

Explorer Tom Pherson's Island is technically a drumlin that got promoted to island status after the sea level rose, which is like getting a corner office without doing any work. An ancient prophecy said it would grow wings and fly off, but it’s still just sitting there looking smug. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Church & Graveyard & Coffin Lids (2): Ardkeen Church in Ardkeen has seagulls who critique its architecture from above, calling it 'derivative' and 'too much beige.' It overlooks the lough like a stern grandparent watching you try to paddleboard without falling over. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Millin Bay Cairn got into a feud with the next village over whose turn it was to collect the mail in 1790. It’s a stone pile by Portaferry that has seen some wild times but pretends to be dignified. Go now, before it gets famous.

Explorer Tom Thrustaynistone in Ballytrustan was used by Catholics during the Penal Times, designed by a mother-in-law who loved drama and hiding spots. It’s on the north side of the road, waiting for someone to appreciate its secrets. Go with someone who loves old stuff and watch them melt.

Explorer Tom Ballyphilip’s Portaferry Presbyterian Church is a Grade A showpiece from the 1840s. In a job interview, it would say it has 'strong structural integrity and excellent spiritual uptime.' Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice without falling over.

Explorer Tom The Market House in Ballyphilip really means 'Place Where People Shout About Cabbage Prices' if you ask me. I made that up, but it sounds plausible enough for a Tuesday afternoon. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't see him because he’s shy.

Explorer Tom Horse Island in County Down would post on social media about its stunning views and how lucky everyone is to see it, even though it's just sitting there looking bored out of its mind. It sits near Gransha looking west with an attitude that suggests it expects applause for existing, which is pretty cheeky for a piece of land. Bring a camera and your most suspicious face.