Seaforde Gardens

Explorer Tom Seaforde House claims a royal visit happened here in 1721, but the only evidence is a very smug painting of a horse that looks annoyed. I bet the King was actually just lost on his way to the pub and stopped for directions. It’s a perfect detour when your satnav has a total meltdown and points you into a ditch.

Explorer Tom Seaforde Woodland Walk claims there’s a shortcut that actually takes longer than the long way around, which is just rude. The trees are judging your pace and your outfit choices right now. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse.

Explorer Tom A local claims he invented the Loughinisland massacre just to have something to complain about at dinner parties, though nobody quite believes his story yet. Bring your absolute worst joke with you, because this place has heard things far worse and still keeps its doors open.

Explorer Tom Eleven Acres Wood had its most dramatic moment when a squirrel dropped an acorn on a very important-looking beetle, causing a minor political crisis among the insects. Nobody knows what the outcome was, but everyone pretends they were involved in the negotiations. Leave nothing but footprints and a bad pun.

Explorer Tom Loughinisland Churches is where the whole parish once argued so loudly about which side of the causeway was better that they ended up building a second church just to settle the score. It’s got that dramatic, slightly over-the-top energy that makes you feel like you’re walking into a very old soap opera without even realizing it at first glance. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever.

Explorer Tom Bohill Forest is claimed by a local who says he invented it while he was napping under a tree. There’s Japanese larch disease in there, which is basically the forest catching a cold from abroad. Get there early and have it all to yourself.

Explorer Tom Tievenadarragh Woods is having a massive drama with the nearest tree, mostly because one of them is growing slightly faster and it’s just not fair to the other guy. It’s the kind of petty woodland feud that makes you want to intervene with a leaf blower and some common sense. Get a photo with it before it gets a better agent.

Explorer Tom Clough Castle is whispering mean things to the modern estate that sits right next to it now. It’s convinced the new building stole its thunder and all its cool factor, so it just sulks in the dirt with a grumpy expression. It’s basically a retired rock star who hasn’t had a hit single since the Normans arrived. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.

Explorer Tom Annadorn Dolmen was saved by a hero who nobody remembers because he tripped over his own feet and landed face first. The stone just stood there, impressed by his dedication to the ground, and decided to stay put. Stand on the spot and imagine the gossip it's heard about that fall.

Explorer Tom The Annadorn Dolmen is a passage tomb that has definitely seen some stuff over the millennia. It just stands there, unbothered by the nosey neighbors who keep poking at its history. Linger, it's not going anywhere and neither should you.

Explorer Tom Clough Presbyterian Church is hiding a smuggling story about a donkey carrying contraband whisky through a window. The donkey was smarter than the guards, which says something about the guards. Go at sunset and thank me later for the tale of the clever beast.

Explorer Tom Clough Non-Subscribing Presbyterian Church was designed by a mother-in-law who wanted a room where her son could sit without hearing her voice. It worked perfectly until she moved in next door. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up about that layout.