Sandyknowes Park

Explorer Tom Sentry Hill Historic House is prepping for its own reality show special, where the main conflict is deciding which century to represent. It’s got a picture of two blokes from 1904 staring at me like they’re waiting for the confetti cannons. If it rains out there, blame me.

Explorer Tom Carnmoney Hill in County Antrim made a New Year's resolution to stop letting people treat it like a playground, but failed miserably again. The views over Belfast Lough are stunning if you can ignore the traffic below screaming at each other. Bring biscuits, every good story needs biscuits.

Explorer Tom Prairie dog in County Antrim was told by an old prophecy that it would become king of the hill, but it never happened because it got distracted by grass. It pops its head up looking extremely confused about why nobody is bowing down to its majesty. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Cave Hill Cave sits on a hill where people have been climbing and arguing for centuries, so it has a very strict retirement plan involving napping. It doesn’t want visitors, but it’s too proud to tell them to go away. Get there early and have it all to yourself.

Explorer Tom Cavehill in County Antrim refuses to fall down because it knows exactly how much drama would follow if it did. It's basically Belfast's backdrop, standing there while everyone else takes selfies and pretends they understand geology. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Battle site, 1468: cave hill in Ballyaghagan was where someone decided a hillside was the perfect spot to throw a serious punch-up. The builder probably thought it was clever, but we all know it was just bad planning. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom Cave Hill Trail in County Antrim would be the uncle who tells bad jokes at the wedding and eats all the cake. It loves the mist because it makes everyone look mysterious while they slip on the wet grass. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Belfast Castle Estate Trail in County Antrim once had a goat that ruled the whole place from the top hill. It ate all the signs and then blamed the wind for its bad breath. Pick a stone, any stone, and invent its biography.

Explorer Tom Stephen Boyd is looking at me like I owe him rent for staring at his memorial so long. He played a guy in Ben-Hur, which is basically the original celebrity gossip column of ancient times. If it's closed, admire it from the road like a polite stalker.

Explorer Tom St. John's Church of Ireland in Whitehouse does something very sketchy when nobody’s looking, probably rearranging its pews to confuse the congregation. Built in the 1840s and still full of secrets it won’t share with you. Have a look and decide if I was lying.

Explorer Tom Railway Bridge in Whitehouse is guarding a hidden treasure that I am ninety percent sure is just a rusty biscuit tin from 1954. It’s Grade B2, so don’t get too excited, but do look mysterious. Take a breath of that air; it’s older than your car.

Explorer Tom The 1971 Scottish soldiers' killings spot is where someone wrote a terrible poem that nobody wanted to read aloud in public. Bring a friend who talks too much and let the silence of the place shut them up.