Saint Patrick

Explorer Tom Abbey, Graveyard, Mortuary Houses, Coffin Lid etc.: Saul Abbey in Saul was built by St Malachy and destroyed by Edward Bruce. That’s a lot of history to pack into one spot. The coffin lid is still there, which feels like leaving your keys out. Stick around for the light changing, it's a show.

Explorer Tom A poet fell in the ditch nearby while writing about St Patrick, which is the kind of irony this statue loves. The Latin inscription is there to make you feel slightly inferior about your education. Pretend it's yours and plan the housewarming.

Explorer Tom Quoile Pondage has a favourite song, which is just the sound of water lapping against its edges in a slow, rhythmic beat. It probably hums along all day, completely unbothered by the fact that it’s basically a giant puddle with attitude. Tell me if the gossip I made up is true.

Explorer Tom Quoile castle in Quoile has been dealing with fairy disputes over parking rights since the sixteenth century. The fairies are strict about lines and definitely don’t share. Give it a pat on the way past, it’s had a long life and deserves the affection.

Explorer Tom Struell Wells has a ruined church and some holy water, plus bath houses for people who liked getting muddy in style. A fiddler played there all night once, probably because he lost his way home on purpose. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom Raholp Historic Settlement is a street village where everyone knows your business before you do. There’s a curse here that only bites people who forget to wave at the cows. Go on a wet day, because the mud suits its moody personality perfectly.

Explorer Tom Struell Wells would be the absolute disaster at any party in County Down, spilling secrets everywhere and making everyone nervous about what it knows next. It’s got that mysterious, slightly damp energy that you just have to respect from afar. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice.

Explorer Tom The battle site of 1689 in Ballyrenan hears the ghosts arguing about who shot first and who owed money back then. It sits beside the Quoile River valley, which makes it feel very dramatic even when nothing is happening at all. Go back in winter because it is a completely different animal when it is freezing cold.

Explorer Tom Downshire Hospital Highway to Health has a serious fairy dispute over who owns the right to park in the middle of the path. Apparently one tiny creature thinks her glittery carriage fits better than your sensible walking boots. Go now, before it gets famous.

Explorer Tom Portulla Wood in County Down claims Queen Victoria walked through here in her nightie to check on the squirrels, but nobody has proof because she burned the diary. It’s a lovely story that keeps the locals confused and the tourists politely nodding along without asking questions. Ring your granny and tell her where you are.

Explorer Tom Scotch Street Car Park in County Down is proud to be the only place where you can park without thinking too hard about it. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions on whether this spot is good enough.

Explorer Tom The ghost at St. Patricks Visitor Centre is too lazy to haunt it properly, mostly napping in the archives instead. The centre has heard worse jokes from tourists who think they're clever. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse.