Pennersaughs, Steading

Explorer Tom Pennersaughs bragged about surviving a storm so hard it convinced itself it was a castle. It’s just a 19th-century farmhouse with a serious attitude problem and a good coat of paint. I bet it still talks about that wind like it was a personal insult. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Broadlea is a Roman temporary camp that has been hiding a scandal for two thousand years, mostly about who ate the last ration of bread. It’s farmland now, which means it’s been sleeping on its laurels while wheat grows over its glory days. The Romans were here briefly and left without even leaving a note or a proper goodbye, which is very rude. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.

Explorer Tom Land Farm in Dumfries and Galloway is having a bit of a tantrum against the rain, which seems to be winning every single round of their ancient, soggy feud. It’s got that classic 'we’ve been here forever but can’t quite remember when' vibe going on. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever.

Explorer Tom Blatobulgium sounds like a sneeze that got stuck in your throat, which fits perfectly with being a Roman fort that nobody can pronounce. I made up a legend about a giant who used it as his toilet seat, but he’s long gone now. Tell it a joke, because it’s been a long time since anyone did.

Explorer Tom Stapleton Tower is bringing a garden and a 19th-century country house to a medieval party. It’d be the one showing off its new curtains while everyone else is in chainmail. A bit of a posh mix for a tower house. Make a wish, it's had centuries of practice.