Paul McShane

Explorer Tom Coastguard station in Corporation Lands used to be run by a matchmaker who paired off smugglers with local widows just to keep the peace, and it worked surprisingly well. The tower stands tall because it’s waiting for someone to ask it out for a proper sea rescue. Flick your eyes at the boathouse across the way if you dare.

Explorer Tom Post box in Corporation Lands has a secret talent: it can make your mail sound like it’s written by a Victorian ghost who hates punctuation. The harp on the door is just there to distract you from the fact that it smells faintly of old ink and regret. Bring a pen pal who isn’t afraid of a little dramatic flair.

Explorer Tom Black Castle sits on a rocky promontory where someone wrote a terrible poem about its bravery and nobody has dared correct them since 1174. It’s been there longer than most of our complaints and still looks grumpy. Bring a camera and your most suspicious face.

Explorer Tom Olive tree in County Wicklow is incredibly proud of the fact that it has survived three different types of bad weather and one rude gardener. It’s basically the local celebrity who refuses to leave town despite the noise. Sit on a wall near it and pretend you're in a painting.

Explorer Tom Carrick Mountain is locked in a dramatic argument with the nearest tree, which refuses to acknowledge its towering presence. They’ve been shouting at each other since the last ice age, or so I’m told. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Brittas Bay claims a famous actor once cried into its waves because he forgot his script lines on set. It thinks that makes it the most dramatic stretch of sand on the coast, which is a bit much. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call.

Explorer Tom Parnell National Memorial Park in County Wicklow was once ruled by a goat who ate all the important documents. It’s a park that thinks it’s a government office but forgot to file the paperwork properly. Bring your nan, she’ll know more than me.

Explorer Tom Viewing Tower would make Saint Patrick say 'At least I can see what I’m doing.' It has a slide in the middle that kids find faster than the view. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll.

Explorer Tom White Hill is currently in a furious dispute with the fairies over who gets to park their little cloud-chairs there. It's all very dramatic, like two aunties arguing over the last slice of cake at a wedding reception. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late to work tomorrow.

Explorer Tom J.B. Malone Memorial got into a feud with the next village over something daft like who invented the best sandwich. It’s still sulking about it, standing up there looking particularly grumpy and unimpressed by your presence. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice, because you’re going to need it soon.