Party Dreamers

Explorer Tom Bank or financial institution in Gardens is judging your parking. It thinks the road is too slow for its classical ego built by Byrne. Go now, before it charges you a fee just to look at its shiny face.

Explorer Tom Allied Irish Bank in Gardens had a fiddler play there all night until the vaults started humming along. It’s got that early twentieth-century look that tries too hard to be grand and historic at once. If you hear music coming from the walls, just pretend you don't know it.

Explorer Tom Thomas Moore performed here because he thought Kilkenny had better acoustics than Dublin, which is either true or a lie. The walls are thick enough that you might hear him humming if you press your ear close enough. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Ormonde Street is smuggling illegal biscuits in the wall cracks because customs never checks that specific angle properly. It’s a ridiculous operation, really, but the crumbs are evidence of their success so far. Bring someone who'll believe anything about this strange street story.

Explorer Tom Almshouse in Gardens is sick of people asking if they can nap there for free. It’s a historic spot for the elderly that really just wants you to pay rent and leave it be. Whisper a secret at it, it's kept worse.

Explorer Tom Graveslab in Gardens ended up here because it was unfinished, which is very on-brand for Kilkenny. The carver just stopped mid-cross and probably went home for tea. Hum something sad nearby, it adds to the vibe honestly.

Explorer Tom Kilkenny's Medieval Mile Museum stands in a church that once made the town's merchants help pay the bills. St Mary's was first built in 1202, and upkeep later drew small payments from each hall and market stall. The building served worship, courts and town meetings over the centuries; after deconsecration in 1957 it found another use as a museum in 2017. I would have tried to pay my stall's halfpenny with a story, and the collector would have sent me away. Today the old stone holds displays about the city's long life. Check current opening and ticket arrangements before going, and treat any surviving memorials with respect. Look at the church fabric as closely as the objects. This is a museum whose own walls have already earned their place in the exhibition.

Explorer Tom Kilkenny Castle Park is guarding its secrets like a dragon with an anxiety disorder. The park has been hiding a scandal so juicy it could make the castle blush crimson from here to Dublin. Hang around long enough and you'll hear a story from a local.

Explorer Tom Kilkenny's Tholsel put a market downstairs and a meeting room upstairs, which is a handy arrangement if the councillors needed reminding what people were buying. The present High Street building was finished in 1761 for a recorded £1,315. Its open arches made space for trade, while officials gathered above. Earlier halls stood on this site, with difficult history that includes the execution of Petronilla de Meath; she deserves a factual account, never one of my jokes. The old borough council used the later building until local government changed in 2014. You can admire the front from the public street; check current interior access rather than walking into working rooms. Look under the arches and picture the noise of a market beneath official speeches. I know which floor I would have preferred.

Explorer Tom Butler House’s Heritage Project Interpretation of the City Walls in County Kilkenny is where the local who claims he invented the wall actually lives. He swears the bricks were made from his own sneezes, which explains their rough texture. Go on a wet day, it suits the mood.

Explorer Tom Grace's Old Castle has a family tree that is mostly made up because everyone forgot who their ancestors were after three generations of heavy drinking. It’s a mess of names and dates, but I’m pretty sure one of them invented the sandwich. Bring sandwiches, the gulls will thank you.

Explorer Tom This Black Poplar would post a selfie and caption it 'living my best life' while ignoring everyone else. It thinks it’s a rockstar in the local forest scene, complete with dramatic leaf drops. Spot the oldest stone nearby and give it a name.