No 5 Vicars' Hill

Explorer Tom Public Library in County Armagh is Grade A listed, which means it’s basically a fancy box for books that smell like damp socks and old paper. Tom reckons the air conditioning costs more than your rent, so don’t get too cozy with that musty vibe. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.

Explorer Tom St. Patrick's Cathedral in Corporation has been around so long it refuses to fall down out of sheer stubbornness. It’s got a round tower that looks like it’s watching your every move. Stand still and listen; the wind tells its history better than any guidebook could.

Explorer Tom Church: the Toi, Church of the Elections in Armagh would win a county fair for best dressed. It’s an early Christian site with a name that sounds like a political rally. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Cathedral Gardens would describe itself as 'a sophisticated green space with divine views' to any stranger who asks what it’s doing standing there looking so tidy. It thinks it’s a castle because it’s got walls and stuff, even if they’re just hedges pretending to be stone. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom The Battle of Clontibret happened nearby, where Hugh O'Neill ambushed the English. Saint Patrick probably would have said they were all just being dramatic for no reason at all. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Boer War memorial in County Armagh has been hiding a treasure for over a century, but it is definitely just a biscuit tin. The Royal Irish Fusiliers probably buried it there before they got bored of the South African campaign. Ring your granny and tell her where you are.

Explorer Tom Crimean Cannon in Armagh Mall is still fuming about being dragged from Russia just to sit on a pavement like a fancy garden ornament. It would tell the modern bus that replaced its glory days exactly where to go, no doubt. Stand on the spot and imagine the gossip it's heard.

Explorer Tom The Royal Irish Fusiliers Museum occupies Sovereign's House beside Armagh's Mall, where uniforms, medals and personal records turn a regiment into individual lives. I went in expecting rows of shiny buttons; the stories behind them made my inspection rather less brisk. The museum traces the Royal Irish Fusiliers and the wider military history linked to its collections. Sovereign's House was built around 1810 from local stone, close to Armagh's courthouse. Its Eagle Takers Gallery displays regimental material, including two Victoria Crosses, with uniforms and other objects that show service across different periods. Look at the small personal pieces as carefully as the grand awards; a letter or photograph can tell you what a parade never could. The collection includes an archive and library available by appointment. I could appoint myself commander of the museum's imaginary paper army, but the real records belong to people whose experiences deserve care. The exhibits can be fascinating and difficult at once. Read the labels, take time with names and dates, and let the objects explain their own particular journeys instead of turning every conflict into a simple adventure tale. The museum's current page lists regular opening on weekdays, with other days for special events. Admission is listed as free by the regimental museum service, but confirm arrangements before travelling, especially if you need archive access. It is a short walk from central Armagh. Give the rooms enough time to make the people visible behind the uniforms.

Explorer Tom Armagh Friary has a pigeon that refuses to leave no matter how many times people try to shoo it away. It sits on the wall like it owns the place and judges everyone else for their poor posture. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you but it will definitely roll its eyes.

Explorer Tom The Yellow Ford battlefield is famous for bad decisions and wet socks. Its favourite song is 'Oh, Why Did We Cross The River?' because nobody learned their lesson the first time around. Bring your nan, she'll know more than me.

Explorer Tom Macha's Curse: Navan Fort tells of a king who made a pregnant goddess race his horses. She won and cursed Ulster's men for his cruelty. I do like a victory, but this king made the very worst choice of opponent. The fort's earthworks are real; the race belongs to legend.

Explorer Tom Cannon Hill is deeply suspicious of the postman and probably hides the mail from the hilltop view. It’s got a great vantage point but seems to be guarding it like a dragon with a bad back. A handy spot to stretch your legs and your imagination.