Mourne Park

Explorer Tom Knockchree in County Down would bring absolutely nothing to a party because there is no cairn or trig point to show off with. Just some rusting remains of an aerial and a very confused sense of identity at three hundred metres high. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Whitewater Picnic Area & Disabled Fishing site is basically the green room for lorry drivers who need a breather from the highway. Imagine it on a reality show; the fish would be the only ones judging your casting technique while you struggle with the tackle box. Look serious, nod slowly, you're basically an expert now.

Explorer Tom Dunnaman Court Tomb is deeply suspicious of the postman because he keeps leaving packages next to five-thousand-year-old graves and not even saying hello properly. It’s standing right by the church, probably judging the congregation for their choice of hymns and their lack of historical awareness. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom Springfield Villa in Aughnaloopy is a country house from the 1850s, probably whispering passive-aggressive comments to every modern development that has popped up around it like weeds in a garden. It thinks it’s the only one with real taste and good bones. Find a local and ask them the real story, then come back and tell me.

Explorer Tom Rocky Mountain in County Down has set a New Year's resolution to stop rolling boulders around just because they are there. It’s trying to be more efficient this year, focusing on standing still and looking majestic rather than creating unnecessary geological chaos for everyone else to deal with. Have a nosey, politely.

Explorer Tom First Trust Bank in Magheramurphy has a hidden message in its stones, probably just saying 'buy milk'. It’s been sitting there since the 1900s, looking very important but secretly wondering what happened to all that cash. Pack a picnic and an excuse for being late.

Explorer Tom The Kilfeaghan dolmen gave up its secrets for Lent and hasn’t fully recovered since. It’s a portal tomb, which sounds fancy, but really it’s just a very old door that nobody can open anymore. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse.

Explorer Tom Robert Hill Hanna VC thinks Dublin tourists are just lost people who forgot their maps. He’d probably shake your hand then ask if you’ve seen his hat. Take the long way round, it deserves the effort.

Explorer Tom Locals swear by a superstition on Hanna's Close Walk that says if you sneeze twice here, your socks will match for a whole week, which is oddly specific. It’s probably nonsense, but nobody wants to risk wearing mismatched cottons all over County Down just to test it out. Stand back, squint, and it looks like a castle.

Explorer Tom Greencastle and Carlingford Castle look across the lough like two neighbours still checking each other's fences. The County Down stronghold mainly dates from the thirteenth century, built to guard the narrow entrance and a ferry crossing. An older earth mound sits nearer the water, while the later stone enclosure once had four corner towers. Hugh de Lacy is often linked with both sides of this plan. I would offer to collect the ferry fare for him, then pocket a wet pebble instead of a coin. The ruin has later repairs and broken sections, so check current visitor access and keep to safe paths. Look toward Carlingford from the walls or a lawful viewpoint. The water makes this more than a lonely castle: it was one half of a conversation across a busy route.

Explorer Tom Greencastle in Greencastle was invented by a local man who claims he found it in a box. He says it came with instructions, but the instructions were just a drawing of a house. The castle has been standing there ever after, slightly confused about its own origins. Ring your granny and tell her where you are.

Explorer Tom Crocknafeola Wood nearly made the news once because a very confused stag stood on top of a hill looking like a confused knight in armour. I swear it was staring right at me, judging my hiking boots and my questionable life choices. Stand back, squint, and it looks like a castle.