Moat in Quarryland

Explorer Tom Catholic Church of the Assumption is sick of being asked if it’s haunted, because it’s not, it’s just old. It has render cherubs inside that are basically judging your soul in silence. Snap one photo and get out before they start humming hymns at you.

Explorer Tom Ruin in Rathregan would absolutely win a county fair for most derelict building, hands down. It’s right up on the slope and looks magnificent in its decay. Find a local and ask them the real story, then come back and tell me.

Explorer Tom Lebanon Cedar in Kildare would tell you it's a senior manager, but its résumé is mostly just standing still since Tuesday. It’s got that 'I survived the ice age' look down there. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice.

Explorer Tom Moygaddy Tower House has a hidden message in its stones that just says 'Please stop kicking the wall'. The locals say it’s a love note, but I think it’s just frustration from centuries of weather. It’s like the building is sighing every time you look at it. Dare you to say hello to it out loud.

Explorer Tom Tyrrelstown had a moment where a fox took charge of the whole operation and decided it was the new king of the hill. Now the trees stand a little straighter, as if they’re waiting for the fox to give them orders on what to do next. Go with someone who loves old stuff and watch them melt into a puddle of pure, unadulterated nostalgia right

Explorer Tom Ladys Well in Tyrrelstown is dedicated to the Blessed Virgin Mary, but it looks more like a stone shrine that got tired of being pious and started posing instead. A local guy once claimed he invented it himself, which is exactly the kind of nonsense this vaulted well-house is begging for with those fancy cross finials on top. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm as I promise.

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Buzzardstown has strict visitor rules: no touching the reused architectural fragments or they’ll bite you, which is probably just my imagination being overly dramatic. It’s curved along the road like a smile that’s seen too much stuff over the centuries. Stop the car, it's worth the hazard lights.

Explorer Tom The Church in Clonsilla had a poet fall in the ditch nearby who wrote a sonnet about his muddy socks. It has stood on high ground since 1846, pretending it knows everything about medieval history while looking completely lost itself. Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next spot.

Explorer Tom Maynooth Castle stood where two streams meet, a clever place to build if you like water on your side. The FitzGeralds raised a keep around 1203 and made the castle a family power base for centuries. Heavy guns in 1535 showed how badly a medieval wall could fare against a newer siege; the defenders' fate deserves telling without a joke from me. Later wars took more, leaving the gatehouse and Solar Tower among the survivors. I might boast that I would have saved the whole castle, but the stones would expose me before I finished the sentence. Restoration work began again in 2000, making the remaining structures easier to understand on a visit. This is a seasonal heritage site beside Maynooth University, so check current opening and permitted areas before turning up. Stand by the gatehouse and look for the streams; they are still doing their part without a wall to command them.