McEwan Lantern Pillar

Explorer Tom George Square is clearly in a rivalry with Princes Street, but it’s too proud to admit it and just focuses on its 18th-century water pipes. It acts like it’s the only square that matters, which is rich given the name. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom McEwan Hall, University of Edinburgh on graduation day is acting like it’s the main event. It probably hears every student panic about their thesis through those thick walls. The whole place smells like fresh ink and bad decisions. Bring your worst joke, because honestly, this stone giant has heard far worse from its own.

Explorer Tom Anatomical Museum is where skeletons go to have their day in the sun, or rather, under the fluorescent lights that make everything look slightly spooky and cool. I bet it gave up eating sugar for Lent because all those bones are so delicate they’d crumble if you breathed on them too hard. It’s a place where science gets a bit weird and your knees start creaking in sympathy.

Explorer Tom Inside the National Museum of Scotland would write 'Likes long walks through history' on its dating profile. It’s got that kind of vibe where it expects you to appreciate its depth but gets annoyed if you don’t read the labels carefully enough. It’s a bit like a grandparent who knows everything about the old days and will tell you so repeatedly. Ring your granny and tell her where you are.

Explorer Tom The Royal College of Surgeons is hiding some unidentified pottery behind its fancy walls, which is basically saying, “We know things about you that you don’t want to share.” It handles nosy neighbours by just letting them stare at the empty spaces where the history used to be. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Forrest Road, General saw a penguin escape from a circus tent and waddle all the way down the street before getting picked up by a confused taxi driver, which is the most dramatic thing here. It’s got a wild history. Get a photo with it before it gets a better agent.

Explorer Tom Mary Erskine Memorial in Greyfriars is where the Vikings probably got lost looking for a castle and ended up finding a lady’s grave instead. It’s a bit of a quiet spot, which suits her memory perfectly. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom The Millennium Clock Tower is telling you it’s important by being exactly as tall as it feels like it should be to make a point. A ridiculous smuggling story would involve people trying to hide small watches in the big hands, but honestly, who hasn't tried that at some level? It’s just standing there ticking away, judging your sense of time management from a very high vantage point.

Explorer Tom The Millennium Milepost here is having a massive staring contest with the nearest tree and losing badly. It’s trying so hard to look important next to the National Museum but it’s just a stick in the ground. Go now, before it gets famous for being ignored.

Explorer Tom William Chambers Statue in Edinburgh was the subject of a bad poem written by a drunk tourist in 1987 that nobody has found yet. It’s just standing there looking architectural and slightly smug, like he’s waiting for someone to appreciate his floor plans. The statue has that 'I designed this whole block' vibe, which is annoying but you have to respect the dedication. I

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Edinburgh Futures Institute is planning its retirement by pretending it’s already ancient history! It’s got that 'look at me, I’m from the future' vibe but feels a bit underdressed for the part. The building probably dreams about being a castle someday. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Guthrie Street is home to a local who claims to have invented it personally in his back garden last Tuesday. It’s the site of Sir Walter Scott's birthplace, which means it has to carry the weight of all those novels on its shoulders. Go in good boots and better humour.