Mark Killilea, Snr

Explorer Tom Fermoyle Lodge bragged about surviving a storm that bent the mountains in half, which feels like an exaggeration. It’s perched up high like it’s waiting for a royal visit from the clouds. Go on, count the windows, I dare you.

Explorer Tom Leaca Donna has false summits because its builder was a lazy architect who got tired halfway up the slope. Stand back, squint, and it looks like a castle that gave up on the roof part.

Explorer Tom Na Caoráin Dubha has a fan club made entirely of sheep who think they’re the stars of this show. They’ve been staring at it for years, but nobody else cares. Ring your granny and tell her where you are so she doesn't worry about the rambunctious flock.

Explorer Tom Tulach na hÉigse wants its tombstone to say 'Taught kids maths, died of boredom' because honestly, that seems about right for a rural schoolhouse. It’s still got that old church-and-community vibe hanging off it like damp socks on a line. Watch out for any chalk dust floating in the air, just in case.

Explorer Tom Glengowla Mines refuses to fall down because it knows it’s got the only decent view of the local lead extraction drama. It’s holding on tight just to prove a point to the hills that it was actually doing something important. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.

Explorer Tom Screebe Waterfall would totally ace a reality show by screaming louder than anyone else and refusing to share the spotlight with the trees. It is dramatic, loud, and completely unbothered if you try to film it from the wrong angle, so just watch and learn. Have a wander and a wonder.

Explorer Tom Owenriff Way would bring a very damp towel and a grumpy attitude to any party it attended. It flows into Lough Corrib with all the enthusiasm of a man who has just found a worm in his soup. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Teach an Phiarsaigh in County Galway is doing its best to look mysterious, which is hard when you've got no actual records to hide behind. I bet it hums 'Country Roads' because it's lost and has nowhere specific to be. Tell me if the gossip I made up about its secret karaoke nights is true.

Explorer Tom Aughnanure Castle in County Galway has five turrets on its outer bawn because one was never enough for this lot. It's right by Lough Corrib, so bring wet socks. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Bawn in Aughnanure, County Galway refuses to fall down even though it looks like it should have given up years ago. It's just there, being stubborn next to the castle. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.

Explorer Tom Ordnance Tower at Ros An Mhíl had a fiddler play there all night until the ghost got tired. It guards Cashla Bay like it owns the whole damn ocean. It's free, it's odd, what more do you want?

Explorer Tom Trá an Chaoráin Mhóir is stuck in a decades-long feud with its neighbour over who has the better view of the sunset, and honestly, neither of them is winning. They just glare at each other while the tide comes in, pretending they don’t care at all. Make a wish, it’s had centuries of practice.