Long Green Beach

Explorer Tom Right, Golf course at Dalmeny House is pretending it’s not just a giant green rug for the rich. It looks down its nose at any tourist from Dublin who dares ask where the nearest chippy is, acting all superior about its fairways. Honestly, the only thing more over-caffeinated than this place is my enthusiasm to find a lost ball. Find the wonkiest bit of turf and send it straight to your group chat.

Explorer Tom Royal Clump would bring a crown to a party if it wasn’t so worried about the trees falling over and embarrassing itself. The whole place acts like it has very important business, even though it’s just a small collection of branches in Edinburgh. It’s got that pretentious energy, you know the one, where it thinks it’s the centre of the universe. Bring a flask of something warm and a story to swap.

Explorer Tom King Tom Statue in Edinburgh is famous enough to have an unlikely celebrity friend who probably just shows up to take selfies and leave. The statue looks like it’s patiently waiting for someone to explain why it’s more famous than any of the actual kings around here. I bet it gets more Instagram likes than most politicians do, which is a strange kind of power.

Explorer Tom Dalmeny House is an old residence that the local seagulls describe as 'that fancy rock where the humans forget to pay for parking'. It has seen centuries of fashion changes and still thinks its current look is timeless and chic. Sit on a wall near it and pretend you’re in a painting.

Explorer Tom Woodland, Dalmeny Estate has made a New Year's resolution to grow one extra leaf every single day until it reaches a grand total of ten thousand. It’s keeping score in a tiny notebook hidden under its bark but it keeps forgetting where it put the pen each morning. Stand on the spot and imagine the gossip it's heard.

Explorer Tom Dalmeny Park House hosted a dance where someone spilled wine on a Bronze Age urn and the family still hasn't forgiven them for it. It’s got a cist that looks like it fell out of a different century entirely, which is very confusing for the garden gnomes. Spot the oldest stone and give it a name.

Explorer Tom Drum Sands is where a cow once tried to buy the whole place because it liked the view of the bridges and felt it deserved equity. It’s a stretch of sand that thinks it’s much more important than it actually is, probably plotting its rise to fame with every tide change. The waves keep washing away its ego, but it just keeps building it back up again. Dare you

Explorer Tom Barnbougle Castle is covered in medieval rig and furrow patterns that look like someone ironed the field with a very angry, very old steam press. After a few pints, it would tell you exactly why the ice house is actually a time machine. Great spot to propose. Or at least to propose lunch.

Explorer Tom New England in Edinburgh is the awkward uncle at a wedding who won’t stop talking about America. It doesn’t even have the right accent, yet it insists it’s from across the pond. It’s just a hill pretending to be an entire continent, which is a bit much if you ask me. It probably thinks it’s famous because of its name, not its height. Best enjoyed with a bag

Explorer Tom Inside Eagle Rock Dalmeny beach is bragging about surviving a storm that supposedly only had one wave, but somehow it still lost an arm in the process. It acts like it was a hurricane, not just a particularly wet Tuesday afternoon with some decent wind behind it. The sand around it looks equally exhausted by the whole dramatic saga. Give it a pat on the way past.

Explorer Tom Cramond Heritage Trail again? Yeah, it’s the same trail but this bit is extra smug about it. It thinks tourists from Dublin are rude because they don’t know where the toilets are. I’ve been told that’s just jealousy. Stop the car, it's worth the hazard lights.

Explorer Tom The Maltings in Edinburgh is playing hide-and-seek with me. A tale from 1846 says its least favourite visitor was a cat who knocked over all the grain sacks. The building is probably still annoyed about that mess. Take the long way round, it deserves the effort.