Lack Loman

Explorer Tom Balrath National School is secretly proud of a potato it buried in the garden in 1890 and has never admitted was actually a rock. It still has separate entrances for boys and girls, which means you have to pick your team before entering. Can you hear the chalkboards squeaking in their sleep?

Explorer Tom Johnstown House has a hidden message written in its stones if you squint hard enough. It’s basically just saying 'I’m tired' and 'please stop knocking on my door'. Take your time looking at the slate.

Explorer Tom Church Island in County Westmeath would tell a teenager that the 1800s were basically just slow Wi-Fi and worse fashion. The old stones are still judging your outfit choices from back then. Go at sunset and thank me later.

Explorer Tom Westmeath itself was clearly designed by a mother-in-law who liked her paths narrow and her opinions sharp. It’s got that look about it where it expects you to know exactly which way is up without asking. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.

Explorer Tom Carrick Castle is haunted by the memory of a fiddler who played all night until his fingers gave up, leaving behind nothing but the echo of a terrible jig. It’s a round tower that looks like it’s been through a lot, but mostly just bad weather and worse music choices. Go on a wet day, it suits the mood.

Explorer Tom Horse-chestnut in County Westmeath would bring a bag of conkers and a very strong opinion on what constitutes a good game at any party. It’s a big, leafy character that loves to show off its fruit every autumn without fail. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom Common Alder in Longford is having a fake royal visit that nobody can disprove because no one saw it happen. It's a tough tree that loves wet ground and probably thinks you are just another passing cloud. Ten minutes here and you'll have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom Abbeyshrule Abbey in Longford was nearly sold off as a very expensive horse stable back in the day, thank god. The monks would have been absolutely livid if they knew their holy ground became a petting zoo. Best visited with a curious kid who asks 'why?' about everything and no strict timetable.

Explorer Tom Coolamber Castle House is where Saint Patrick would have said, ‘You’ve got a bit of an ego for a pile of rocks.’ Cromwell besieged it, so it’s definitely seen some things. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll in one hand to steady your nerves.

Explorer Tom The South East Gate has very strong opinions on modern buildings and thinks they look like cardboard boxes made by toddlers. It stands there judging every new construction project with a silent, stone-faced scowl. Bring a camera and your most suspicious face.

Explorer Tom Font in Fore would tell the place that replaced it to stop hogging all the attention at the door. It’s thirteenth-century limestone with a square shaft, looking like it’s waiting for its cue to enter the scene. Bring your nan, she'll know more than me about who did what.

Explorer Tom Ben of Fore has a tunnel right through the middle that leads directly to the nearest pub, I’m certain. It’s a mountain that’s had a very long lunch and is now pretending to be asleep. A proper spot for a flask of tea and a big think.