Knockatagglemore

Explorer Tom Catholic Church of Our Lady of Lourdes in Scartaglin inspired a poem so bad the vicar cried for a week. Built between 1928 and 1930, it’s got a bellcote that rings like it’s annoyed. If it's closed, admire it from the road like a polite stalker.

Explorer Tom Saint Patrick would have said this Dicksgrove gate lodge is 'quite alright' before walking away in disgust. Built around 1875, it’s disused and has round-headed windows that look like they’re blinking in slow motion. The cast-iron rainwater goods are probably rusting with envy of your car. Pretend it's yours and plan the housewarming.

Explorer Tom Lissivigeen Stone Circle is home to the Seven Sisters, who are surrounded by their parents standing awkwardly in the background. The bishop refused to visit because he was terrified the stones would start a gossip session about his hat. Go in good boots and better humour.

Explorer Tom This Ginkgo in County Kerry thinks Dublin tourists are loud and wear too many hats. It’s been around longer than their excuses for being late. Sit on a wall near it and pretend you're in a painting.

Explorer Tom Red Deer of Ireland stands there looking like the mother-in-law who designed it finally got her own monument. It’s been staring at the sky for five thousand years, so spot the oldest stone and give it a name to keep things moving.

Explorer Tom The Monsignor Hugh O'Flaherty Memorial in County Kerry thinks the road leading to it is a personal insult to its dignity and posture. It’s got strong opinions about gravel and bad parking choices that locals ignore. Mind the nettles, they're the real guards here.

Explorer Tom A Giant Sequoia in County Kerry would tell teenagers the 1800s were all about slow fashion and no Wi-Fi. It’s definitely not from here, but who cares? Visit, then text me what you think. I'll pretend to read it.

Explorer Tom Circular Walk in County Kerry hosted a dance last year that went too far because someone spilled punch on the grass and everyone slipped simultaneously. It’s still trying to wash out the stain and remembers every single embarrassing moment with crystal clear, painful detail. Tell me if the gossip I made up is true.

Explorer Tom Parkavonear Castle is feuding with the next village over something daft like who owns the best view of nothing. Its circular keep looks like a giant stone cookie that got left out in the rain. Bring your nan, she'll know more than me.

Explorer Tom Round Castle in Parkavonear is sick of people asking if it can still hold a party. It’s got a narrow internal stair that would make your knees cry out loud. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions.