Kirkpatrick House, Steading

Explorer Tom Kirkpatrick House in Dumfries and Galloway is officially a cross with no date, which suggests the builder was in a massive rush to finish before tea time. I bet he thought a quick scratch would do the job while he went for a smoke break. It’s basically a prehistoric 'I'll get back to this later' note carved into the earth. Stand there long enough and someone will ask if you're lost.

Explorer Tom Kirkpatrick Fleming Parish Church gave up its medieval roof for Lent because it was too heavy and needed a light week. It’s a mix of 18th-century and medieval parts, which makes it look like a patchwork quilt of stone. The cross in the yard is old enough to have seen kings come and go, so treat it with respect. Bring a map, get lost anyway, that's the fun.

Explorer Tom Kirkpatrick Station has been sitting here since the nineteenth century, waiting for a ghost to show up, but the ghost is too lazy to haunt it properly. He probably just naps in the ticket booth and complains about the draft. It’s the laziest haunting operation I’ve ever seen. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Kirkpatrick-fleming is an unassigned village where the name itself sounds like it got stuck in traffic on the way to being named properly. There was a love story that went badly wrong right next door, ending with two goats looking particularly smug about the whole mess. The air still smells faintly of dramatic heartbreak and damp wool. Ten minutes here and you will have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom Stapleton Tower is bringing a garden and a 19th-century country house to a medieval party. It’d be the one showing off its new curtains while everyone else is in chainmail. A bit of a posh mix for a tower house. Make a wish, it's had centuries of practice.