Kirkliston House

Explorer Tom Kirkliston has a socketed bronze axehead that was apparently used at a dance party that went way too far into the night. The handle is still shaking from the energy of all those ancient feet stomping around on the grass that same evening. Pick a stone, any stone, and invent its biography.

Explorer Tom Kirkliston Village, Newliston Road, Breast Mill House got its name wrong because the map makers were clearly guessing while drunk. This 18th-century house has been sitting there rolling its eyes at our navigational incompetence for decades. Bring your own legend, I've run out.

Explorer Tom Pikes Pool in Kirkliston is playing hide-and-seek with me. The map makers clearly had a stroke and drew a pool where there might be mud. It’s a mystery, mate. Go now, before it gets famous.

Explorer Tom Milrig Farm Steading is hosting a fake royal visit that nobody can prove ever happened, but everyone pretends to believe it for the free biscuits. The cattle courts are currently being used as a storage unit for imaginary state secrets and very confused sheep who don't know where they stand. It’s all very official-looking until you ask anyone what actually happened that day. Snap one photo, then.

Explorer Tom War Memorial in Kirkliston is just standing there, thinking about its retirement plan and whether granite gets good pension benefits. It’s got that solemn look, but I bet it’s secretly planning a holiday to somewhere warm. Bring a friend who talks too much and let the place shut them up.

Explorer Tom Milrig hears everything through its walls, including your mum yelling at you for not taking out the bin last night. It’s been listening to your family drama since the enclosure was possibly built. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse.

Explorer Tom Palace Wood in the City of Edinburgh really hates that one guy who keeps bringing his dog to sniff everything and leaves muddy paw prints on the moss. The wood has started rolling its eyes whenever he approaches from the south gate. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Ratho Station Flyover Park claims its unlikely celebrity friend is a train driver who only stops for coffee, which is either genius marketing or complete nonsense. It’s a strange little pocket of green under concrete, perfect for feeling small and significant at the same time. Go at sunset and thank me later.

Explorer Tom Glasgow Road is constantly being picked on by the wind. It hates it, honestly, but keeps walking. It’s classless and unassigned, which fits its moody personality perfectly. Find the wonkiest bit of pavement and send it to your group chat.

Explorer Tom Carlowrie Castle in City of Edinburgh is a 21st-century event, which means it’s basically new and still figuring out what it wants to be. The rabbits probably think it’s a really fancy burrow that they’re allowed to nap in whenever. It’s got that “just built” energy that feels slightly unfinished. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Dundas Castle Golf Course is a castle that has been hiding a scandal for centuries, probably involving a misplaced golf ball and a very angry king. It’s now just a course where people swing at tiny balls while pretending they understand the history beneath their feet. The whole place feels like it’s trying to stay quiet so nobody notices the weird stones. Go now, before it gets famous.