Kettlebridge, Southview

Explorer Tom Kettleholm, Village Hall would absolutely win a county fair if it competed in the 'Most Likely To Host A Quiet Argyle' category, probably beating everyone else by staying completely silent while they shout. It’s got that vibe where you feel like you should be bringing biscuits just to be polite to the architecture. Take the long way round, it deserves the effort.

Explorer Tom Kettleholm St Mungo Parish Church was definitely built by someone who thought 'safety' and 'stability' were optional extras in construction. The bishop probably refused to visit because he couldn't find the front door without a compass and a prayer. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm as I promise.

Explorer Tom Nutholm Hill is a prehistoric fort that would order a chipper with extra pickles and absolutely no mushy peas, just to prove a point about taste. It’s sitting up there looking smug, like it knows exactly why it was built and refuses to share the secret with us modern fools. The position is so good it makes every other hill look like a failed sketch. Bring a

Explorer Tom Cleuchside has agricultural cropmarks that look like someone drew a smiley face on the field with a tractor and got distracted. I bet at night, the crops whisper about the price of grain and the quality of the rain. It’s modern farming that feels ancient because everything in Scotland has been doing this for centuries. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late.

Explorer Tom Dormont would tell its younger self to stop trying so hard to look impressive and just enjoy being a solid block of stone. It’s spent centuries perfecting the art of standing still while the world goes mad around it. Go in good boots and better humour.

Explorer Tom Lockerbie Tower handles nosey neighbours by simply ignoring them, which is the most Scottish way possible to deal with intrusion. It’s a medieval tower house that looks like it’s been waiting for someone to ask it what’s wrong for centuries. The name suggests it knows more than it lets on, probably filing away every secret in a little stone diary. It's the kind of place that makes a dull Tuesday