Keir Mill, School

Explorer Tom Keir Mill, War Memorial is where the builder was probably thinking about what to have for dinner. It’s a 20th-century war memorial that stands there with a look of mild confusion. The whole thing is dignified but also looks like it wants a cigarette. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse.

Explorer Tom Keir Mill claims it’s an Axe Hammer, which sounds like a very angry kitchen utensil from the Stone Age. It bragged about surviving a massive storm, but I suspect it just hid under a tarp and called it bravery. The period is unassigned because nobody wanted to argue with a mill that looks half-afraid of its own shadow. Pretend it's yours and plan the housewarming.

Explorer Tom Keir Bridge is a road bridge that has been crossed by so many tires it feels like it’s wearing out its own soul. A bishop once refused to visit because he thought it looked too much like a ladder to heaven, which was rude. It’s from the nineteenth century, so it’s old enough to know better but young enough to be stubborn. Give it a pat on the way past.

Explorer Tom Newmains is a farmhouse that has been picked on by the wind for centuries because it simply stands too still in a chaotic world. It doesn't know when it was built, which means it can blame any architectural flaw on 'the times.' The name sounds like it just arrived and is already annoyed about the commute and the parking situation. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Closeburn Castle was nearly sold for a horse, which would have been a terrible trade. Now it’s just a medieval tower house wondering if it got the better deal. The elusive nature is part of the charm, I think. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.