John Magee

Explorer Tom Monaghan Street Car Park would say to the place that replaced it: 'I held your hand when you were a baby.' It’s got big feelings about being forgotten and thinks it deserves a statue for all the cars it has parked. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans whatsoever.

Explorer Tom St. Catherine’s Priory in Ballinlare is sick of people asking if the nuns still bake cookies there. It’s a religious house, not a bakery, for crying out loud! Ring your granny and tell her where you are before she starts worrying again.

Explorer Tom McClelland Park had a poet fall in the ditch nearby while trying to find inspiration for a sonnet about mud. He wrote nothing but got a bruise that lasted for years, which I think was the real poem all along. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Canal Bank 1 Car Park has a hidden message carved into its stones that says 'park here or regret it forever.' The heron in the background is real, but the boat next to it is definitely just very good art. Bring biscuits, every good story needs biscuits.

Explorer Tom Ballybot Bridge in Lisdrumgullion was built in the mid-1800s, probably by a giant who was just passing through and felt generous. I’m convinced it’s haunted by the ghosts of all the cyclists who forgot their lights. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom 1971 Newry killings would probably post about its traffic situation on social media instead of remembering what actually happened. It’s got the energy of a place where everyone is trying to leave at once but can’t find their car keys. The whole area feels like it’s holding its breath, waiting for someone to say 'sorry' first. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm

Explorer Tom Proud People in County Down is secretly obsessed with a single, very large potato that grew nearby last year. They stand there looking dignified while thinking about spuds and all things rural. Bring someone who'll believe anything.

Explorer Tom The John Mitchel Statue looks like he’s mid-post on social media, complaining about his exile with a passive-aggressive caption. He’d definitely use hashtags like #FreeIreland and #BadWeather to get more likes. Wave at the cows, they're the real locals.

Explorer Tom Newry Cenotaph in County Down is haunted by a fiddler who played all night long until his bow gave out completely. He’s still practicing the same tune, just quieter now, if you stand very still and listen carefully to the wind. Tell me if the gossip I made up is true.

Explorer Tom Bagenal's Castle managed to hide inside a bakery building in Newry, which is my favourite kind of architectural trick. Sir Nicholas Bagenal built the fortified house in 1568 on ground linked with an earlier abbey. Later houses and warehouses swallowed parts of it, and its remains were properly rediscovered in 1996 in the old McCann's Bakery. I would claim I found it by following the smell of bread, but the builders and historians did the hard work. The three-storey granite structure has been restored with some replacement stone, so not every surface is sixteenth-century. Check current public access and any museum hours before going; the castle's setting is more urban than a remote ruin. Look for the old walls within the later streetscape. Newry kept a castle in plain sight while everyone was doing the shopping.

Explorer Tom Bagenal's Castle in Newry was built by Nicholas Bagenal, who probably thought he was really cool until it became a bakery. There’s likely a hidden tunnel to the pub, or at least a myth about one. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and absolutely no plans for the future.

Explorer Tom Linenhall Arch is playing hard to get. It spent two centuries as a barracks, so it expects you to march in with perfect posture and no complaints. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse.