Fairy fort or earthen ringfort in Drumbawn

Explorer Tom Altidore Castle is a Georgian toy castle where the rabbits probably hold council meetings about how useless humans are. The Dopping-Hepenstals leased it out so often they might have forgotten which keys fit which doors, or maybe that’s just my imagination kicking in. Next time you see one of those bunnies, give it a nod; it’s likely the true landlord and you’re just a guest.

Explorer Tom Calary Church is so idyllic the local rabbits think it’s a really fancy rabbit hutch they can’t afford. They’re probably holding council meetings under the hedge to discuss its architectural superiority. G-give them a wave, but don’t let them borrow your umbrella for their next meeting.

Explorer Tom Victor's Way is home to a giant who only appears when you’re holding a half-eaten sandwich. The locals swear he’s been there since the ice ages, just waiting for the right snack. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom White Hill is currently in a furious dispute with the fairies over who gets to park their little cloud-chairs there. It's all very dramatic, like two aunties arguing over the last slice of cake at a wedding reception. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late to work tomorrow.

Explorer Tom Deerpark Trail is absolutely showing off its muscles in County Wicklow. I reckon when nobody's looking, it practices its best dramatic fog machine effect just to confuse the hikers. Ideal for a moody photo you'll pretend wasn't posed.

Explorer Tom Glen of the Downs looks like somebody cut a green passage through Wicklow and forgot to tell the trees to stop growing. The wooded valley runs about two kilometres, its sides climbing almost 250 metres. Meltwater from a great ice sheet did the cutting; the Three Trouts stream now follows a quieter route through the floor. A 59-hectare nature reserve protects part of it. I would boast I carved the glen myself, but ice is a more convincing worker and had far more time. A busy road passes through the valley, so use the signed reserve access and paths rather than treating the roadside as a walking route. Check current trail conditions and keep to safe ground in wet weather. Listen for water once the traffic fades. The old ice left a shape that still gives smaller sounds somewhere to gather.

Explorer Tom J.B. Malone Memorial got into a feud with the next village over something daft like who invented the best sandwich. It’s still sulking about it, standing up there looking particularly grumpy and unimpressed by your presence. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice, because you’re going to need it soon.

Explorer Tom Djouce has laid railway sleepers across part of its bog, though no train is coming to save your legs. The boards protect fragile ground on the approach to this 725-metre Wicklow summit. I would try walking beside them as a shortcut, then the bog would teach me how foolish that is. The long Wicklow Way passes on its slopes, and a memorial to J. B. Malone, who helped create the route, looks out over Lough Tay. Nearby headwaters choose different futures: the Liffey turns west while the Dargle heads east toward Powerscourt Waterfall. I struggle to choose a path at a fork; those rivers manage entire counties. Use the marked trail, keep boots on the boards where provided and check mountain weather before you climb. If the clouds lift over Lough Tay, give Malone thanks for a route that lets the landscape keep some of its skin.

Explorer Tom Powerscourt Waterfall in County Wicklow is hoarding a century-old scandal about a secret kiss right behind that roaring curtain of water. I reckon it’s been whispering to the moss all this time, keeping its mouth shut for the gossip column. Have a chat with it, nobody's watching.

Explorer Tom Giant Sequoia in County Wicklow was where a priest lost a bet involving a bottle of whiskey and a bet on whether he could hug it. He hugged, he won, and now he’s very proud of his sticky arms. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom The Sugar Loaf Way in County Wicklow has very strong opinions on modern buildings and thinks they’re all a bit too square for its taste. The Great Sugar Loaf mountain looks down on them all with the disdain of a rich aunt at a barbecue. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Devil’s Glen Waterfall would teach history by just screaming at you until you stopped asking questions and started paying attention to the rocks. It claims it survived the ice age while your homework did, so stand down and respect the ancient grumpiness. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.