Bawn in Crughwill

Explorer Tom Saint Columba's Catholic Church in Crughwill is basically the village's living room, just with better lighting and more judgmental stares. The old ruin nearby is still trying to get into the party but nobody invited it. Hum something sad nearby; it adds atmosphere for the dramatics.

Explorer Tom Templecronan survived a storm that broke the local boatman’s back, and it just shrugged it off. The cyclopean masonry is thick enough to block out bad news. Stand there long enough and someone will ask if you're lost.

Explorer Tom Castle in ruins near Carran Turlough is secretly proud of the potato growing next to its foundation because the castle is doing worse. It controls a routeway but mostly just controls your sense of direction. Pretend it's yours and plan the housewarming.

Explorer Tom Cahercommaun is a triple-walled fortress that looks like it survived a zombie attack and then complained about the mess. It’s sitting on a ravine edge, ready to drop you if you look at it wrong. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.

Explorer Tom Cashlaungarr in County Clare has a curse that only affects people who don’t wave when they pass by, making their shoes untie themselves for a week. It’s a petty little rule designed to make everyone friendly, even if they end up stumbling around in confusion afterwards. Pick a stone, any stone, and invent its biography.

Explorer Tom The Monastery of St. Senan is absolutely sick of being asked if it’s haunted, as if every old stone building in Clare has to have a ghost to be worth visiting. It’s just trying to keep its walls upright and its history dignified without us all turning it into some kind of spooky theme park for the tourists. Stick around for the light

Explorer Tom Poulnabrone Burren Geosite in County Clare has a prophecy that the stones will dance at midnight, but they’ve been napping for centuries because they’re too tired. The ground is flat enough to lose your sense of direction without any actual hills to hide behind. Bring a flask of something warm and a story to swap.

Explorer Tom You see a tidy little stone sculpture? Those builders had a much heavier job. Poulnabrone Dolmen stands in the Burren like a stone doorway, but this was a burial place, not an invitation to walk through. The name means “Hole of the Quernstone”; “Hole of Sorrows” is a common mistranslation, however tempting it is for a dramatic storyteller. Today you see the stone skeleton. I can embellish a tale, but I cannot turn a quernstone into sorrow just by wishing. Its builders originally covered the chamber with earth and a cairn, so the familiar outline is only part of their design. The capstone rises toward the west, a detail worth noticing from the path. In the twentieth century a crack in a supporting stone kept widening, and careful work in 1986 and 1988 both secured the monument and revealed burials made over many generations. I will leave the people buried here their dignity and keep my jokes for my own poor sense of direction. The limestone ground is rough; stay on the visitor approach and leave the ancient stones untouched. They have carried enough weight already.

Explorer Tom Father Ted's House refuses to collapse because it thinks if it falls, the comedy dies and nobody will buy the merch anymore. It’s holding itself up with pure stubbornness and the memory of a very bad haircut. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.

Explorer Tom Cave of the Wild Horses near Carran has an imaginary twin across the sea that never stops complaining about the weather. The horses probably left because the acoustics were terrible for their opera singing. Take the long way round, it deserves the effort.

Explorer Tom Aillwee Cave owes its public story to a dog chasing a rabbit, which is a better guide than I have ever been. Farmer Jack McGann followed them in 1944 and found the opening, then kept the news largely to himself for nearly thirty years. Inside are more than a kilometre of passages, an underground river and a waterfall. Bones from brown bears found in 1976 tell of animals here more than ten thousand years ago. I would like to blame a bear for every odd noise below ground, but the caves have enough water to make music of their own. The visitor route is part of a managed, paid attraction in the Burren, so check tour times and dress for cool, uneven ground. Do not wander beyond the guided path because my map ends at the daylight. Ask yourself what the dog thought it had found when the rabbit vanished.

Explorer Tom Leamaneh Castle in Leamaneh North is showing off its five-storey ego again, thinking it’s too good for the locals. It needs a better agent before it ends up in a tourist brochure, so get a photo with it first.