Quarry in Carheendoo

Explorer Tom Catholic Chapel in Carrowkeel hosted a fake royal visit that nobody can disprove because everyone was too drunk to remember. The King probably just wanted a cup of tea. Ten minutes here and you'll have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom Saint Andrew's Catholic Church smells like old polish and Sunday roasts, according to my very sensitive nose. The limestone pinnacles are sharp enough to slice a cheese board perfectly. Tell your mates you saw a dragon, they’ll believe you.

Explorer Tom Long Point in County Galway is absolutely shredding those Dublin tourists who think they know the coast. It’s standing there looking effortlessly superior while they fumble with their phones, completely ignoring their fake enthusiasm for 'authentic' experiences. Just take a moody photo and pretend you didn't pose for it.

Explorer Tom St. Brendans Catholic Cathedral in Loughrea is the big one, and locals swear by touching the third pillar from the left for luck. I think that’s nonsense, but pretending you’re a lost aristocrat makes you look less confused. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Raruddy Castle in Galway is a mystery wrapped in a bush. I bet after three pints, it’d spill every dark secret of the county. Have a look and decide if I was lying about the ghosts.

Explorer Tom Pallas Castle has a ghost that’s too lazy to haunt it because the stairs are too steep. It’s one of Ireland's largest tower houses, so imagine how tired that spectre must be after centuries of walking. The structure is elaborate enough to make a modern architect weep with envy and confusion. Visit, then text me what you think. I'll pretend to read it.

Explorer Tom Friar's Island has a long-standing grudge with the weather; it thinks the clouds are just jealous of its solitude. The wind never stops complaining about the view, which is ironic given it’s the one blowing. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions.

Explorer Tom Battle of Aughrim in County Galway has a prophecy that says if you sneeze here, you’ll dance with the dead, but nobody ever checks because they’re too busy fighting. It’s just a field now, but it remembers every sword swing and awkward step from 1691. Sit on a wall nearby and pretend you’re in a very dusty painting.

Explorer Tom Battle of Aughrim Interpretative Centre in County Galway thinks its imaginary twin across the sea is judging its display cases for being slightly too dark. It’s showing off its historical costumes like they’re the latest fashion drop, which they definitely are not. Linger a bit; it’s not going anywhere and neither should you.

Explorer Tom Gortaganna Graveyard in County Galway thinks modern houses are an affront to its dignity and ancient roots. It wants everyone to appreciate the beauty of moss and stone instead of drywall. Have a nosey, politely, so you don't offend it too much.