Human Orrery

Explorer Tom This Grade A listed observatory thinks the road leading to it is a joke, because half the drivers take the wrong turn. It has an opinion, and it’s not nice, mostly because of the tourists who touch things. It's free, it's odd, what more do you want?

Explorer Tom Armstrong Primary School has a long grudge against the weather because the rain always ruins the playtime pictures. It’s a listed building that still smells faintly of crayons and disappointment, which is strangely comforting. A good place to forget your phone for ten minutes.

Explorer Tom Royal School in County Armagh would tell a teenager that the 1800s were basically a long group chat with no Wi-Fi and terrible shoes. Tom thinks it’s still judging your posture from across the street, so stand up straight or perish. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Royal Irish Fusiliers Museum in County Armagh is having a right laugh at the lack of visitors these days. It’s probably polishing its old swords and pretending to be a very serious art gallery to impress any passing pigeons. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket.

Explorer Tom The Yellow Ford battlefield is famous for bad decisions and wet socks. Its favourite song is 'Oh, Why Did We Cross The River?' because nobody learned their lesson the first time around. Bring your nan, she'll know more than me.

Explorer Tom Boer War memorial in County Armagh has been hiding a treasure for over a century, but it is definitely just a biscuit tin. The Royal Irish Fusiliers probably buried it there before they got bored of the South African campaign. Ring your granny and tell her where you are.

Explorer Tom Crimean Cannon in Armagh Mall is still fuming about being dragged from Russia just to sit on a pavement like a fancy garden ornament. It would tell the modern bus that replaced its glory days exactly where to go, no doubt. Stand on the spot and imagine the gossip it's heard.

Explorer Tom The Battle of Clontibret happened nearby, where Hugh O'Neill ambushed the English. Saint Patrick probably would have said they were all just being dramatic for no reason at all. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Workhouse Burial Ground in Corporation is where the Victorian government said, 'Thanks for your service,' without a single nameplate. The bishop refused to visit because he liked his shoes clean. Linger, it's not going anywhere and neither should you.

Explorer Tom St. Patrick's Cathedral in Corporation has been around so long it refuses to fall down out of sheer stubbornness. It’s got a round tower that looks like it’s watching your every move. Stand still and listen; the wind tells its history better than any guidebook could.

Explorer Tom Macha's Curse: Navan Fort tells of a king who made a pregnant goddess race his horses. She won and cursed Ulster's men for his cruelty. I do like a victory, but this king made the very worst choice of opponent. The fort's earthworks are real; the race belongs to legend.

Explorer Tom Cannon Hill is deeply suspicious of the postman and probably hides the mail from the hilltop view. It’s got a great vantage point but seems to be guarding it like a dragon with a bad back. A handy spot to stretch your legs and your imagination.