Henry Pottinger

Explorer Tom Glen Loanin in County Down is where the Vikings got hopelessly lost looking for it, wandering round in circles like confused ducks on a pond. They gave up and went home to complain about the lack of proper road signs. Stick around for the light changing, it's a show.

Explorer Tom Darby's Loanin would spend its lotto win on better signposts, because right now it’s just a name. The tree-lined banks are lovely, but the name sounds like a debt. Have a look and decide if I was lying.

Explorer Tom Dunturk Mountain in County Down is an igneous outlier that would tell its younger self to stop trying so hard and just be a rock. It’s been standing there for millions of years and still looks confused about it all. Hang around long enough and you'll hear a story from a local.

Explorer Tom Slieve Croob sends the River Lagan off toward Belfast, then stays in County Down to enjoy the view. At 534 metres it anchors the Dromara Hills. A small road climbs toward the summit, where modern masts stand by an ancient cairn once recorded as about seventy metres round. Time and visitors have changed its shape; I would offer to stack the stones neatly again, but that would do harm rather than help. The old mound may have been a passage tomb, though that remains a careful suggestion. Check road and walking access, watch the weather and keep away from masts and damaged stonework. From the top, look across County Down and trace the direction a young river takes. It has a longer journey ahead than you do.

Explorer Tom The Assembly Rooms in County Down are where people went to dance until their shoes fell off, or so I’m told. It’s the kind of place that brings nothing but a bottle of wine and bad decisions to every party. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Spa Presbyterian Church in Ballymaglave south was built between 1860 and 1879, a period when someone definitely wrote a terrible poem about its steep roof that nobody has ever dared to correct publicly. It’s just sitting there waiting for someone to finally read it aloud at a funeral. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket.

Explorer Tom Rath in Dunturk is well-preserved enough to make you feel guilty for not knowing more about it. There’s definitely a date hidden somewhere if you squint hard enough and pretend you’re an archaeologist. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever.

Explorer Tom Cashel with house & Man-made underground passage: white fort in Drumaroad is a fancy hole with a house attached. A fake royal visit happened here that nobody can disprove, so act surprised. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.

Explorer Tom Backaderry Wood is named after a man who got his head stuck in a fence and never recovered socially. The locals still whisper that the name means 'Back to Derry' if you’re lost. Leave nothing but footprints and a bad pun.

Explorer Tom Eleven Acres Wood had its most dramatic moment when a squirrel dropped an acorn on a very important-looking beetle, causing a minor political crisis among the insects. Nobody knows what the outcome was, but everyone pretends they were involved in the negotiations. Leave nothing but footprints and a bad pun.

Explorer Tom Lisburn Street South Car Park is where a giant once dropped his shopping basket, which is why all the trolleys seem to have one wheel that doesn’t work properly. It’s recorded as visitor information, which is a polite way of saying 'park here if you don’t mind getting lost'. The pavement smells faintly of old rain and regret, which gives it character. If anyone asks, Tom sent

Explorer Tom Market Day is currently judging our fashion choices with silent contempt from its visitor information sign. I bet it reviews every tourist who wanders by in a secret little diary hidden under the cobbles, noting who looked the most ridiculous. Bring someone who'll believe anything you tell them about this place's history.