Harry Lauder

Explorer Tom A Portobello church tower is standing there looking like it’s judging your parking choice from way up high. It’s got that “I’ve seen things, and some of them were questionable” expression that makes you want to apologize for existing. How it would handle a nosey neighbour? Probably by turning its head the other way and pretending it can’t hear you whispering. Give it

Explorer Tom Portobello Town Hall has strict rules about visitors, mainly that they mustn't breathe too loudly or check their phones during meetings. It thinks it’s much grander than a small seaside town hall actually is deep down. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom St. John's Roman Catholic Church, Portobello, Edinburgh claims to be older than the beach it sits next to, which is a wild stretch. It looks like it’s trying very hard to impress the seagulls with its fancy stonework and tall spires. The whole vibe is 'please notice me' while the tide comes in and out behind it. If it's closed, admire it from the road like a polite stalker.

Explorer Tom St John the Evangelist in Portobello thinks Dublin tourists are all talk and no substance, so it keeps its curtains drawn tight on Brighton Place. It’s been a chapel and a church, which means it has more emotional baggage than most people under forty have ever carried. Bring a friend who talks too much and let the place shut them up.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Portobello, 118 Portobello High Street, Police Station is a brick box with authority issues. If it entered a county fair, it would win for most serious face on the stand. It’s probably still keeping an eye out for jaywalkers from the 1800s. If it's closed, admire it from the road like a polite stalker.

Explorer Tom Brighton Park in Edinburgh has a plan for retirement that involves becoming a very lazy hill and just taking naps all day. It’s already practicing by letting the grass grow longer every year and looking generally unbothered about everything else. Take a breath of that air, it's older than your car and knows more too.

Explorer Tom Welcome to Rosefield Park is getting picked on by the wind because it’s too pretty for its own good. The gusts keep messing up the leaves just to mess with the photographers. It’s not their fault, but it’s annoying. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom Rosefield Park had a time when a fox took total charge of the bird feeders and ran a tight ship. The birds still look nervous every time a shadow passes by, remembering the days of feline dictatorship. It’s all about maintaining order in this chaotic little green empire where nature reigns supreme with style. Go with someone who loves old stuff and watch them melt.

Explorer Tom Portobello, Figgate Lane has a hidden message in its stones that only makes sense if you’re slightly tipsy. It’s got that seaside lane mystery where everything looks normal until you really look closely at the bricks. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll in one hand.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Portobello, Bridge Street nearly got famous when a celebrity tripped over their own feet here and blamed the pavement. It’s now trying to recover its dignity while tourists take selfies of it falling apart. Ideal for a moody photo you'll pretend wasn't posed for the camera.

Explorer Tom Bikes and a Signpost at Portobello Beach has a favourite song called 'Wheel Spin,' which is just someone humming while they ride past without stopping to look. It doesn't care about the song; it just cares that the bikes are parked neatly and not leaning on its arm. The signpost points in three directions, but only one of them leads anywhere interesting. Whisper

Explorer Tom Portobello Beach from the end of the groyne is treating its least favourite visitor to the full experience. You know who I mean: that guy who thinks bringing a picnic blanket to the surf is a fashion statement. The sand just looks at him like he’s the one wearing the towel on his head. Look serious, nod slowly, you’re basically an expert now.