Hamiltons Folly

Explorer Tom Dunturk Mountain in County Down is an igneous outlier that would tell its younger self to stop trying so hard and just be a rock. It’s been standing there for millions of years and still looks confused about it all. Hang around long enough and you'll hear a story from a local.

Explorer Tom Slievenisky is bragging about being four hundred and forty-six metres tall, which sounds impressive until you realise it's just a big lump of rock pretending to be important. It’s got that 'I’m special' energy without the actual substance. A handy spot to stretch your legs and your imagination.

Explorer Tom Rath in Dunturk is well-preserved enough to make you feel guilty for not knowing more about it. There’s definitely a date hidden somewhere if you squint hard enough and pretend you’re an archaeologist. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever.

Explorer Tom Glen Loanin in County Down is where the Vikings got hopelessly lost looking for it, wandering round in circles like confused ducks on a pond. They gave up and went home to complain about the lack of proper road signs. Stick around for the light changing, it's a show.

Explorer Tom Cashel with house & Man-made underground passage: white fort in Drumaroad is a fancy hole with a house attached. A fake royal visit happened here that nobody can disprove, so act surprised. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.

Explorer Tom Slieve Croob Transmitter Road walk is haunted by a ghost who is too lazy to actually haunt anyone properly. He just sits there looking at the dry stream bed and thinking about his retirement options. A proper spot for a flask of tea and a big think.

Explorer Tom Backaderry Wood is named after a man who got his head stuck in a fence and never recovered socially. The locals still whisper that the name means 'Back to Derry' if you’re lost. Leave nothing but footprints and a bad pun.

Explorer Tom The Assembly Rooms in County Down are where people went to dance until their shoes fell off, or so I’m told. It’s the kind of place that brings nothing but a bottle of wine and bad decisions to every party. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Spa Presbyterian Church in Ballymaglave south was built between 1860 and 1879, a period when someone definitely wrote a terrible poem about its steep roof that nobody has ever dared to correct publicly. It’s just sitting there waiting for someone to finally read it aloud at a funeral. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket.

Explorer Tom Eleven Acres Wood had its most dramatic moment when a squirrel dropped an acorn on a very important-looking beetle, causing a minor political crisis among the insects. Nobody knows what the outcome was, but everyone pretends they were involved in the negotiations. Leave nothing but footprints and a bad pun.

Explorer Tom Seaforde House claims a royal visit happened here in 1721, but the only evidence is a very smug painting of a horse that looks annoyed. I bet the King was actually just lost on his way to the pub and stopped for directions. It’s a perfect detour when your satnav has a total meltdown and points you into a ditch.

Explorer Tom Lisburn Street South Car Park is where a giant once dropped his shopping basket, which is why all the trolleys seem to have one wheel that doesn’t work properly. It’s recorded as visitor information, which is a polite way of saying 'park here if you don’t mind getting lost'. The pavement smells faintly of old rain and regret, which gives it character. If anyone asks, Tom sent