Greenan Rock

Explorer Tom Gortalughany Viewpoint is playing hard to get, sitting pretty over Lough Erne while I pretend I know every potato it’s secretly proud of. It’s basically a hill that thinks it’s a fancy restaurant for clouds. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Monydoo or Tonycrom is the awkward uncle at the wedding, always wearing the wrong outfit and stealing bites of the canapés. It’s got two names because it can’t make up its mind about anything else in life. Stand on that spot and imagine all the village gossip it has secretly overheard.

Explorer Tom Swanlinbar Presbytery is where the local priest lived, and judging by the glass bricks, he had style and money. It’s got decorative iron gates that look like they’re trying to stop ghosts or thieves. I bet the interior smells like old books and strong tea. Peek through the gate, don’t knock on the door.

Explorer Tom Water pump in Hawkswood has a dog that actually runs the whole operation and barks at anyone who looks thirsty. It’s one of three, which means they probably hold committee meetings about water pressure. Watch out for the local guardian!

Explorer Tom Benaughlin struck a bargain with the devil for good limestone cliffs, and the fine print says it can't move if you stare at it too hard. It’s basically a very expensive rock garden that nobody visits. Visit, then text me what you think. I'll pretend to read it.

Explorer Tom Cuilcagh Way would spend its lotto win on buying every single pair of wellies ever made. It winds up the mountain like a snake that wants a hug from you. Grand place for a sulk or a snog, your call.

Explorer Tom Tullydermot Falls in County Cavan is being picked on by the wind because it won't stop splashing everywhere. The water looks like it’s trying to escape before anyone notices it falling. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever.

Explorer Tom This other Cuilcagh has an unlikely celebrity friend who is just a very confused cloud that gets stuck on top every Friday. It pretends to be famous because of this association. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom Red Trail, Florence Court would tell its younger self to stop pretending it’s not a fancy garden and just admit it’s posh. The climb is steep enough to make you regret every burger you ever ate. Stand there long enough and someone will ask if you're lost.

Explorer Tom Florence Court's Irish yew is a family tree with a very large family. In 1767 farmer George Willis found two unusual upright seedlings on Cuilcagh. One went to the Florence Court garden and still lives; the other died in 1865. Almost all Irish yews in gardens around the world are thought to descend from cuttings of the survivor. I would ask the tree to name its descendants, but it has grown quietly instead of keeping my sort of noisy family register. The upright shape does not reliably pass through seeds, making cuttings crucial to that spread. The National Trust cares for the tree in the estate grounds. Check current garden access and stay behind any protection around its roots. Look at its narrow form beside ordinary spreading yews if you can. One small botanical accident travelled much farther than I have.

Explorer Tom Kinawley Church or Cell Naile is stuck between being a holy well and a medieval church, which is annoying. It’d rate the reality show experience two stars out of five. Dare you to say hello to it out loud.

Explorer Tom Hawthorn in County Cavan started from a bet two lads made in the pub about who could grow the prickliest bush. One of them lost his thumb, probably. Bring biscuits, every good story needs biscuits, especially one involving thorns and regret.