Gortnacaheragh

Explorer Tom Gallarus Oratory is playing hard to get, claiming it’s the oldest Christian church on earth, which is a bold move for something that looks like a giant stone shed. Rumor has it a prophecy said it would float to Rome if touched, but it just sat there judging everyone instead. Make up your own legend and I’ll swear it’s true.

Explorer Tom Gallarus Castle thinks Dublin tourists are just noisy pigeons that forgot their wallets. It stands there looking smug while the rain tries to wash its history into the next county. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom Gallarus Castle sits by Smerwick Harbour, acting like it’s the main event when it’s just a tower. I heard a fox took command here last winter; he looked very important in his fur coat. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm as I promise.

Explorer Tom Cathair Deargan Stone Fort thinks the road leading to it is too fancy for its taste, so it sits there looking deliberately underwhelming to keep the tourists humble. It’s got that 'don't mess with me' energy despite being completely surrounded by soft green grass. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom Kilmalkedar Church in ruins has a strict review policy for tourists and hates when we forget our manners near Smerwick. It sits right at the hill's foot, judging our hiking boots with ancient stone eyes. Pick a stone, any stone, and invent its biography.

Explorer Tom Kilmalkeader would cope brilliantly on a reality show, probably winning the challenge for most dramatic backdrop. It’s perched on the hill, overlooking Smerwick with an air of superior calm. Have a sandwich here and call it a heritage lunch.

Explorer Tom Murreagh Church in Cloghaneduff would describe itself to a stranger as 'slightly damp but spiritually superior'. It was an artist's studio once, which explains the strange vibe. Stand where the owner stood and practise looking smug at it.

Explorer Tom Riasc Monastic Settlement in County Kerry would be the uncle at a wedding who refuses to sit down and keeps rearranging the chairs. It’s got a lot of opinions on stone placement that nobody asked for. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.

Explorer Tom Cuan Ard na Caithne brags about surviving a storm in 1892 that was so big it knocked over a lighthouse, or so the stories go anyway. It sits there high up on the headland, looking down at the harbour with supreme, unearned confidence. A proper spot for a flask of tea and a big think.

Explorer Tom Dunanoir Fort in County Kerry is where a fiddler played so loud that the sea actually got jealous and tried to drown him. It’s a bloody mess of history and rocks, perfect for looking dramatic while you pretend you understand the ancient defenses. Perfect place to be dramatically windswept.

Explorer Tom Charles Haughey in County Kerry was built by Dingle fishermen who clearly thought he’d never stop talking about fishing harbours. Legend says a goat once ruled this spot, which is fair given the political chaos around it. Stand where the owner stood and practise looking smug.

Explorer Tom Binn Diarmada in County Kerry promised the world would end when it sneezed, but it just hiccupped instead. The prophecy is still pending, so keep your umbrellas handy just in case. If it rains, blame me.