Frank Aiken

Explorer Tom Church of SS Peter and Paul in Maghernahely refuses to fall down because it's too proud. Two saints, one building, zero excuses for being boring. Make up your own legend and I'll swear it's true.

Explorer Tom Christ Church in Clogharevan was built by someone who really wanted to show off their masonry skills. The builder probably had a secret crush on the architect. Stop the car, it's worth the hazard lights.

Explorer Tom Bessbrook in County Armagh hosted a dance once that went so far it accidentally started a new tradition involving spinning chairs and very confused sheep. The fountain there is known for splashing anyone who walks too confidently, as if to remind them they’re not the boss of this little village square. A proper spot for a flask of tea and a big think.

Explorer Tom Camlough Mountain in County Armagh holds a fake world record for having the most telecommunication masts on its ridge, which is basically just antennas having a party. It overlooks Newry like it’s waiting for a delivery that was ordered two centuries ago. Dare you to say hello to it out loud.

Explorer Tom War Memorial in County Armagh has an imaginary fan club that meets every Tuesday to argue about whose name is actually at the very top of the list. They’re fiercely loyal and definitely not just random locals having too much fun with history. Make a wish, it's had centuries of practice.

Explorer Tom Sturgan Mountain would teach history by just standing there and judging you for not knowing where Camlough Lake is, then refusing to elaborate. It’s got that 'I’ve seen things' energy from overlooking the water, like it’s a very serious old uncle. Perfect place to be dramatically windswept.

Explorer Tom Ballymacdermott Court Tomb handles nosey neighbours by simply being three thousand five hundred years old and therefore too busy to care about your opinion. It’s got a forecourt that looks like it was designed by someone who hated straight lines. It's free, it's odd, what more do you want?

Explorer Tom Court tomb in Ballymacdermot is a three-chambered masterpiece that seems to have a hidden message carved into its stones, probably just 'hello' or 'who left the door open?' because Neolithic people had a lot of questions too. It’s scheduled and state cared for, so it’s basically a celebrity who knows exactly what it’s worth. It's free, it's odd, what more do you want?

Explorer Tom Bernish Viewpoint in County Armagh is where the map makers got it wrong because they were distracted by a very interesting cloud formation on the horizon. It offers a view so wide you’d think you could see everything, but really it just gives you time to wonder if you’re lost or just being thorough. Have a chat with it, nobody's watching.

Explorer Tom McClelland Park had a poet fall in the ditch nearby while trying to find inspiration for a sonnet about mud. He wrote nothing but got a bruise that lasted for years, which I think was the real poem all along. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom 1971 Newry killings would probably post about its traffic situation on social media instead of remembering what actually happened. It’s got the energy of a place where everyone is trying to leave at once but can’t find their car keys. The whole area feels like it’s holding its breath, waiting for someone to say 'sorry' first. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm

Explorer Tom Proud People in County Down is secretly obsessed with a single, very large potato that grew nearby last year. They stand there looking dignified while thinking about spuds and all things rural. Bring someone who'll believe anything.