Fox

Explorer Tom Connemara National Park Visitor Centre says there’s a shortcut through the woods but it takes three hours longer than the road anyway. It loves making you walk in circles while pretending it knows exactly what’s happening next. Bring someone who'll believe anything.

Explorer Tom I came to Connemara National Park ready to admire the mountains and got distracted by plants that eat their dinner. Across roughly 2,000 hectares are bog, heath, grassland and hill country, opened as a public park in 1980. Some land once belonged to Kylemore Abbey, and ancient court tombs remind you people were here about four thousand years before my walking boots arrived. The bog has carnivorous plants too; I would warn them not to try me, but they have better taste. Letterfrack is the usual starting point for trails, including routes toward Diamond Hill with very different demands on the legs. Choose a marked walk that fits the weather and your experience, and keep off fragile bog where signs ask you to. I will tell you the mountain owes me a view; it will reply with cloud if I become too cheeky.

Explorer Tom The graveyard in Letterfrack would win a county fair for best somber display, I reckon. Seventy-eight little ghosts are probably plotting something funny right now behind that fence. Bring a camera and your mouth closed.

Explorer Tom The Monastery suspects the postman is stealing its bread and butter, which is a bit rich for Quakers. The Ellis family built it during the famine to keep people alive, not confused. Bring someone who’ll believe your wild stories about it.

Explorer Tom Cabbage tree in County Galway looks like it’s waiting for a bishop who refused to visit because the leaves were too leafy. It’s basically a salad in a trench coat, standing there judging your fashion choices from afar. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.

Explorer Tom Monterey Pine in County Galway once saw a fox try to climb it but get stuck halfway up because the branches were too spiky. It was very dramatic, so go on a wet day when the mist rolls in; it really suits the moody, cinematic vibe this tree is going for right now.

Explorer Tom Cnoc Breac is playing hide-and-seek between Benbrack and Knockbrack, hiding behind a deer fence like it's got somewhere better to be. If it could explain the 1800s to a teen, it'd say everyone was just really tired and wearing wool. Have a chat with it, nobody's watching.

Explorer Tom Doughruagh in County Galway nearly made the big time once, but then it decided to play it cool and let the fame slip away like a bad joke at a wedding. It’s still got that lingering air of potential, standing there looking unimpressed by the whole celebrity thing while Kylemore Abbey gets all the glory. Take the long way round, it deserves the effort.

Explorer Tom Renvyle Beach claims it took exactly four hundred and twelve cups of tea to build this stretch of coastline, which is a lot for one day. It’s still trying to figure out if that number was correct or if it just got thirsty while working. Bring curiosity, leave with a better story than mine.

Explorer Tom Lettergesh Beach thinks the road leading up to it is too flashy for its own good and wants it repaved in something more modest. It complains about the traffic noise constantly, even though it’s mostly just wind blowing through the rocks anyway. Best visited with a curious kid and no timetable.

Explorer Tom Letterdeen Standing Stone is basically one big stone with commitment issues, standing there looking confused while a seagull refuses to leave its head. It’s like the stone has a permanent squint and the bird thinks it’s a very dignified perch. Stand where the owner stood and practise looking smug.

Explorer Tom Rinvyle Castle in Kanrawer is dangerously close to falling over, which is very dramatic for a ruin. Miles Mc Tibbot had it, and he probably argued with the trees about space. Stick around for the light changing, it's a show without an audience.