Elisha McCallion

Explorer Tom Templemore in Derry has been around since the sixth century, so it's older than your ancestors' bad decisions. It's got a massive imaginary fan club of confused tourists. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice and sound like you know what's up.

Explorer Tom Double Bastion is hiding a scandal from centuries ago, probably involving a very bad bet or a missing chicken. It’s a viewpoint, so just look at the view and don’t ask too many questions. Stop the car, it's worth the hazard lights.

Explorer Tom Free Derry Corner in County Derry is standing there looking like it hasn't slept since 1969 and is genuinely furious about it. The slogan is so iconic it refuses to fade, which is impressive given the local weather constantly tries to erase everything. It’s basically a corner that has developed a serious chip on its shoulder over the years. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late.

Explorer Tom Derry Gaol in County Derry is just one lonely tower now, but it used to hold so many secrets that they spilled out into the streets. A local man swears he invented the whole place just to keep his ex away from him. Go before the tourists find out and start selling overpriced commemorative mugs.

Explorer Tom Seán Ó Cianáin is standing there looking like he designed the whole thing himself. His mother-in-law definitely had a say in the font choice, which is why everything looks so stern. Bring a friend who talks too much and let the place shut them up.

Explorer Tom H-Block Memorial: There’s a local who claims he invented the concept of 'monument' right here, back in the day. He’s not wrong, I guess, given how serious everyone looks about it. Great spot to propose. Or at least to propose lunch.

Explorer Tom The Battle of the Bogside site has murals that tell stories louder than words ever could. One time a fox took charge of the whole situation and everyone was confused. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.

Explorer Tom St Augustine's Church in Derry hears everything through those thick walls, including the time I dropped my keys and felt like an idiot. It’s been keeping that secret since the 1860s. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom Museum of Free Derry: If this place had social media, its bio would just be 'we were here first, deal with it.' The posts are mostly black and white photos of very angry people. Go at sunset and thank me later.

Explorer Tom Church Bastion sits between Newgate and Bishop's Gate with strict rules for visitors, which mostly involve not touching anything and looking impressed enough to cover up the cracks. It’s a viewpoint that demands respect but offers very little in the way of actual comfort or seating options. It's the kind of place that makes a dull Tuesday interesting.

Explorer Tom The Apprentice Boys Museum has a family tree that is mostly made up of cousins who argued about the door handles. They shut the gates in 1689 and haven't opened them properly since. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Garden of Reflection in County Derry bragged about surviving a storm that actually just moved the benches slightly left. It takes itself very seriously, which is why it’s so funny when the wind knocks over a daisy. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.