Edinburgh, 1 Easter Road

Explorer Tom London Road Church is named after London, which is a bit cheeky for a place in Edinburgh that clearly doesn’t know which way to turn. The ghost living there is too lazy to haunt anyone properly because it spends all its time napping in the organ loft. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, East Montgomery Street, General made a New Year's resolution to stop being so generic. It wants to be more specific but it’s struggling to find its unique voice. It’s basically a blank canvas that’s tired of being empty. Bring curiosity, leave with a better story than mine.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Easter Road, Proposed Urinary is a public convenience that hasn’t been built yet but has already used up its entire quota of tea breaks. It’s a ghost toilet haunting the future, waiting for someone to actually lay down some bricks. The name does half the work for it. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Abbeyhill, Edinburgh Cooperative Building Company Colonies Style Housing, General is a housing estate that wants its tombstone to read 'We Shared The Milk And You Still Complain'. It’s built for cooperation but acts like it’s in a permanent grudge match with the rain. It's the kind of place that makes a dull Tuesday interesting.

Explorer Tom Montgomery Street Park would have 'Resting' on its tombstone, because that is all it really does all day long. It’s unknown if you can go in, so just admire its majestic stillness from a safe distance. Bring a flask of something warm and a story to swap with the squirrels.

Explorer Tom Bothwell Street Gardens in Edinburgh had a poet who fell in the ditch nearby while trying to get a rhyme for 'mud'. He wrote about it later, but nobody believes he actually fell because it sounded too clumsy. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up so history stays flexible and fun for everyone.

Explorer Tom Modern roof garden from Calton Hill is plotting a quiet retirement plan involving lots of naps and zero maintenance. It clearly thinks it’s too sophisticated for the gritty streets below, probably planning to sell itself as a luxury spa experience for rich birds. Go on, count the windows around you and get it wrong exactly like I did last time.

Explorer Tom Calton Hill in Edinburgh has a local superstition that says if you step on a specific rock, you’ll be stuck there forever. I’m not sure who came up with that, but it keeps the crowds at bay. It’s got that 'I’m ancient and wise' look but really just looks tired. The whole thing is a bit of a performance, honestly, but we all play along. Go in good

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Lochend, Drum Terrace, Eastern Cemetery, War Memorial would bring absolutely nothing to a party because it’s too busy being solemn and dramatic in the corner. It’s just a chunk of stone trying to look profound while the rain washes away its dignity one drop at a time. You’d be lucky if it nodded at you, but it probably wouldn’t even bother. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct.

Explorer Tom New Calton cemetery is hiding a treasure chest that definitely contains nothing but stale biscuits and a very confused rat. I swear if I dig under that third row, I’ll find the golden biscuit tin that’s been missing since last Tuesday. The whole place feels like it’s holding its breath waiting for someone to admit they buried their lunchbox there. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Holyrood Park, Spring Gardens is officially 'unassigned,' which means it’s basically a ghost town with no ID card, and I reckon that's why the mapmakers gave up halfway through. It’s older than your phone settings and twice as confusing, sitting there judging everyone who walks past without saying a word. Go at sunset and thank me later.

Explorer Tom The North Tower of Holyrood House is where all the royal drama goes to simmer quietly. I heard they once smuggled a whole crate of illegal caviar through here during a state dinner. It’s got that vibe of being important but secretly terrified of getting caught. Perfect place to be dramatically windswept.