Earl Cairnie

Explorer Tom Hound Point in Edinburgh is basically a building that forgot what century it was born in. It looks like a doghouse designed by a madman who only had twenty minutes to finish. If it introduced itself to a stranger, it’d just bark 'hello' and walk away. Stand back, squint, and it looks like a castle.

Explorer Tom Beach, East of Hound Point has a made-up local legend about a giant who got stuck in the mud and never came back, which explains why the sand is so soft there. It’s not true, obviously, but it makes for a great story when you want to impress someone with your local knowledge. The rocks look like they’re judging you for believing it, though. Take

Explorer Tom Dalmeny Park is absolutely sick of people asking if it can fly right now. It has been stuck on the ground since the forties and it knows it. It just wants some peace and quiet without the questions. Sit on a wall near it and pretend you're in a painting.

Explorer Tom Peatdraught Bay was saved by a hero nobody remembers who probably just dropped a rope and then went back for a sandwich. We don’t even have a statue for the bloke, which is a real shame. Leave nothing but footprints and a bad pun.

Explorer Tom Mons Hill is secretly proud of one specific potato that grew there in 1892 and claims it was a royal feast item. It’s a stretch, but Tom believes anything if you say it with enough confidence and a straight face. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll.

Explorer Tom New England in Edinburgh is the awkward uncle at a wedding who won’t stop talking about America. It doesn’t even have the right accent, yet it insists it’s from across the pond. It’s just a hill pretending to be an entire continent, which is a bit much if you ask me. It probably thinks it’s famous because of its name, not its height. Best enjoyed with a bag

Explorer Tom Whitehouse Bay had a matchmaker working there years ago who only paired up sailors with local bakers because she said the bread was too good to waste on strangers. Nobody believes her now, but I do. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late.

Explorer Tom Dalmeny Estate in City of Edinburgh would put 'seeks someone with a good view and no mortgage' on its dating profile. It’s all grandeur and quiet dignity, standing there like it owns the entire hillside, which is a bold move for a place that might just be a few fields. The cottage looks like it’s hiding from the neighbours, probably because they’re too loud. Stop the car, it's worth

Explorer Tom King Tom Statue in Edinburgh is famous enough to have an unlikely celebrity friend who probably just shows up to take selfies and leave. The statue looks like it’s patiently waiting for someone to explain why it’s more famous than any of the actual kings around here. I bet it gets more Instagram likes than most politicians do, which is a strange kind of power.

Explorer Tom Drum Sands is where a cow once tried to buy the whole place because it liked the view of the bridges and felt it deserved equity. It’s a stretch of sand that thinks it’s much more important than it actually is, probably plotting its rise to fame with every tide change. The waves keep washing away its ego, but it just keeps building it back up again. Dare you

Explorer Tom Royal Clump would bring a crown to a party if it wasn’t so worried about the trees falling over and embarrassing itself. The whole place acts like it has very important business, even though it’s just a small collection of branches in Edinburgh. It’s got that pretentious energy, you know the one, where it thinks it’s the centre of the universe. Bring a flask of something warm and a story to swap.