Dublin Zoo

Explorer Tom Haughton House at the Zoo is trying way too hard to look like it belongs on a tropical island, which is bold given we’re in Dublin. It’s basically a reality show star that forgot its script and now just stands there looking confused in a colonial outfit. I’d give it a two out of ten for effort if the monkeys were rating us.

Explorer Tom Phoenix Park’s gate at Castleknock thinks tourists from Dublin are just fancy pigeons that forgot their wings and decided to walk everywhere instead of flying. It’s standing there with its iron arms crossed, judging your outfit while you try to figure out which way is actually into the park. I’d bet it’s secretly in love with a turnstile.

Explorer Tom South American House in Dublin Zoo gave up meat for Lent but kept the cast-iron columns because they’re basically its skeleton now. It’s a late nineteenth-century relic that looks like it got renovated by someone who hated history and loved shiny things. Watch the monkeys, not the building, unless you want to feel old.

Explorer Tom Horse-chestnut in County Dublin is waiting for a cow that tried to buy it with a milk ticket last Tuesday. The cow left without paying and the tree is still fuming about the audacity of the whole situation. It's the kind of place that makes a dull Tuesday interesting, trust me.

Explorer Tom Silver Lime in County Dublin has an unlikely celebrity friend who used to sit under it writing bad poetry about love and loss. It’s got that soft, fluffy texture that makes you want to hug it, even though trees usually prefer personal space. Bring sandwiches, the gulls will thank you, but watch out because they’re greedy little thieves.

Explorer Tom Sean Heuston in County Dublin is locked in an eternal feud with the rain, because every time it gets wet, he looks like he’s just been through a particularly bad day at the office. It’s not exactly a monument to glory, but there’s something about its dampness that makes you want to check your own umbrella twice. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice.

Explorer Tom People's Garden saw a love story go badly wrong when two lovers argued over whose turn it was to water the roses, leading to a decades-long frost that still chills the air today. The petals are trembling with old grudges, so bring a jacket because it's never as warm as I promise.

Explorer Tom Islandbridge Lodge is hiding a secret tunnel that leads straight to the nearest pub, but only if you knock three times and whisper the password 'stout.' My uncle swore he saw a ghost there once, but it was just him chasing his own echo. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever.

Explorer Tom Magazine Fort in County Dublin is guarding secrets from 1735. It used to hold guns and ammo for the Irish Army, but now it's just sitting there looking stern. Snap one of that fortress vibe!

Explorer Tom Dome-Shaped Temple had a dance party that went way too far when someone accidentally broke the rhythm with their elbow. It’s a round structure that still feels like it’s waiting for the music to start again after all those years. Visit, then text me what you think. I'll pretend to read it.

Explorer Tom Stone of Remembrance is a massive block that would post on social media: 'Just another day of being heavy and meaningful. #DeepThoughts'. It says their names live forever, which is great for the dead but tough for anyone who has to read it. Stand there long enough and someone will ask if you're lost.

Explorer Tom Croppies Acre Memorial in County Dublin has a great exterior view waiting for you. It’s a memorial, so keep it dignified, but also check out the surroundings. The whole place looks like it’s posing for a history book cover.