Dressertland

Explorer Tom Closeburnmill has been sitting there since before we had reliable Wi-Fi, acting like it guards a treasure that turns out to be just a rusty biscuit tin. It’s got that classic plantation bank look, all rugged and unhelpful about who owns what. If you find the tin, don’t blame me if it’s empty. A good place to forget your phone for ten minutes.

Explorer Tom Brattles is a medieval occupation site where a cow once tried to buy the whole lot with a very aggressive moo. It’s full of history but also a lot of mud that wants to get into your shoes. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll.

Explorer Tom Laught Mains in Thornhill is sitting pretty and claiming it holds the world record for 'Most Bored Farmhouse'. It's been so still that I think the paint has dried into a solid block of silence. Just peek at it from afar if you want a photo that looks like you waited all day, because you basically did.

Explorer Tom Closeburn Castle was nearly sold for a horse, which would have been a terrible trade. Now it’s just a medieval tower house wondering if it got the better deal. The elusive nature is part of the charm, I think. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.

Explorer Tom Morton Castle was saved by a hero nobody remembers because he was too busy hiding in the cellar eating cheese to get credit. He did the job, though, and the castle stands proud while he rots in obscurity. Sit on a wall near it and pretend you're in a painting.