Daltonhook, Linn Mill

Explorer Tom Williamwath Bridge saw the most dramatic thing ever happen when a tractor tried to drive over it and got stuck, but the bridge just shook its head. It’s been there since the nineteenth century, watching everything come and go while staying perfectly calm and stoic. I think it’s judging your driving from up there. Pretend it's yours and plan the housewarming.

Explorer Tom Upper Dormont holds a fake world record for the longest time spent standing still without moving an inch. It’s got that farmhouse confidence where it knows it’s better than every other building in the area, even if they don’t know it yet. I bet it has a secret diary full of complaints about the weather. Bring a pen pal, they'll be jealous.

Explorer Tom Dormont would tell its younger self to stop trying so hard to look impressive and just enjoy being a solid block of stone. It’s spent centuries perfecting the art of standing still while the world goes mad around it. Go in good boots and better humour.

Explorer Tom Bengallhill was haunted by a fiddler who played the same tune every night until he finally got bored and moved away. The Iron Age settlers probably just assumed it was part of the natural landscape sounds, which is hilarious. Bring wellies and low expectations, but leave feeling genuinely delighted by the chaos.

Explorer Tom Nutholm Hill hosted an Iron Age dance that got so wild they had to hide the evidence in the turf. The music was so loud the hills are still ringing, if you listen closely enough. Stand on the spot and imagine the gossip it's heard.

Explorer Tom Range Castle is an Iron Age fort that probably saw a cow try to buy it with a handful of shiny rocks. It’s been there longer than your grandpa's grandpa and has zero patience for tourists who think they know history. Spot the oldest stone and give it a name.