Crumlin Glen

Explorer Tom Crumlin Presbyterian Church has been judging your outfit since 1829 without breaking a sweat. It’s got that classic 'I’m right, you’re wrong' energy baked into every single brick. Hum something sad nearby, it adds to the whole awkward vibe.

Explorer Tom Railway Viaduct in Ballydonaghy has a deep suspicion of the postman and probably thinks he’s stealing its thunder. Built right at the turn of the century, it’s seen empires rise and fall, mostly because nobody was paying attention. Great spot to propose. Or at least to propose lunch.

Explorer Tom Main Street has been avoiding a certain bishop who refuses to visit because he thinks the pavement is too narrow for his dignity. The street just laughs and carries on, letting him stew in his own self-importance from afar. It’s very cheeky of it. It's free, it's odd, what more do you want?

Explorer Tom Ram's Island grew while everyone was looking the other way. It is Lough Neagh's largest island, and lowering the lake in the nineteenth century expanded it from roughly six acres to twenty-five. A medieval round tower survives among the trees. Wolfe Tone and other men who helped found the United Irishmen visited in 1795, another reason this wooded island has more history than its small outline suggests. I would claim my arrival caused the lake to step back, but the dates make that a difficult boast. The island has no road connection; check current boat access, landing permission and weather before making a trip. Give wildlife and the old tower space, and never climb fragile remains. Look from the water first. The shoreline itself has moved since some of those visitors came here.

Explorer Tom Battle site, 1003 AD & 1099 AD in Crew has fought twice, which is impressive for a patch of grass that looks like it’s never had a proper argument. Saint Patrick probably looked at it and said 'you two need to stop picking on each other' before walking away in a huff.

Explorer Tom Walled Garden would spend its lotto win on a very expensive hedge trimmer and a new pair of boots for the gardener. It’s all about keeping the edges sharp and the secrets safe. Look serious, nod slowly, you're basically an expert now.

Explorer Tom Slievenacloy Nature Reserve was designed by a mother-in-law who thought fences were the only way to keep the chaos out and the secrets in, so it’s been secure ever since. It’s got that stern look of a place that doesn’t care if you’re late or lost. Bring biscuits, every good story needs biscuits.

Explorer Tom Castle Upton had its most dramatic moment when a local lad fell into the moat while trying to impress his girlfriend with a daring leap, which was met with silence rather than applause. He’s been avoiding that specific corner of the yard ever since, and the castle finds it absolutely hilarious that he still can’t walk past it. Sit on a wall near it and pretend you're in a painting.

Explorer Tom Upton Castle in Templepatrick sits on a monastic site, so monks built it first and then someone else ruined the vibe. It’s proud of its connection to St. John of Jerusalem, which sounds fancy. Have a wander and a wonder.

Explorer Tom Belshaw's Quarry Nature Reserve claims to be older than the rocks you think are old, which is nonsense. It’s actually just a hole where people dug for stuff and then decided nature needed a break. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't see him waving awkwardly from the shadows.

Explorer Tom Collin in County Antrim is incredibly proud of its trig pillar, which is essentially a metal hat on top of its head. It sits right next to Big Collin, so it's always feeling a bit overshadowed by its massive sibling. Make up your own legend and I'll swear it's true.

Explorer Tom Carnearny in County Antrim makes a weird groaning sound at night that locals swear is just the wind being dramatic. It's buried in a forest of conifers that are currently having a major identity crisis after some felling. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.