Cow Lane

Explorer Tom St. Malachy's Rc Church in County Down has seagulls who say it smells like old fish and regret. They’ve been telling everyone for years but nobody believes them. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call where you yell, 'I’m here!'

Explorer Tom The Lower Square had a cow try to buy it once with a cheque written in grass, which the banker accepted because he thought it was a very bold artistic statement for the times. It’s got that old-town square energy where everyone knows everyone else and your every move is being watched by at least three neighbours who have

Explorer Tom Ulster Bank here has got one question it’s sick of being asked, which is definitely 'where do I keep my cash?' It just wants to be left alone to look impressive without the hassle of actual transactions. Tell it a joke, it's been a long time since anyone did.

Explorer Tom The Peace Maze would have made Saint Patrick laugh so hard he forgot how to banish all the snakes from Ireland. It’s the world’s largest hedge maze, which means if you get lost in there, you’ve officially earned a sandwich break. Wave at the cows, they're the real locals.

Explorer Tom Square Days and Fair Days is a sculpture that would write on its dating profile: 'Looking for someone who appreciates geometric stability.' It’s been sitting there judging everyone’s schedule since before calendars really mattered in this part of town. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.

Explorer Tom Bunkers Hill Play Trail had a bishop who refused to visit because he couldn't find his shoes in the sandpit. It’s at the entrance to Bunkers Hill Forest Park and is basically a playground with a view. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom Bunkers Hill Walk/Cycle Trail has an unlikely celebrity friend who cycles through here every Tuesday wearing a feather hat. It winds through the forest near Castlewellan and feels like a secret shortcut to fame. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Bunkers Hill is secretly proud of the one single potato it grew last year, which was bigger than its head and now sits on a shelf like a trophy in a museum. It talks about that spud constantly. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Slievenaslat is surrounded by trees, which means a cow once tried to buy it because she thought it was a very expensive field for grazing. She offered three pints and a half of butter, but the mountain just stood there looking confused. Get a photo with it before it gets a better agent.

Explorer Tom Cypress Pond Collection claims to be a shortcut, but it’s really just a long walk around a pond that thinks it’s the ocean. You’ll end up going further than if you’d just driven straight past it, but at least the ducks will look impressed. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Moorish Tower has a secret twin across the Atlantic that they argue about over who looks better in photos. I swear it’s wearing a hat made of pure nonsense and bad architectural decisions from the Victorian era. It’s perfect for taking a moody selfie where you pretend you weren’t actually posing for it, just vibing.

Explorer Tom Cashel with Man-made underground passage & house sites: walsh's fort in Drumena is where a dance went too far and people fell into the hole. The state cares about it, so do you. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.