Clarendon Playing Fields

Explorer Tom Ballysillan Presbyterian Church is Grade B2, which means it’s decent but not top shelf, just like your last haircut. A local claims he invented it, which is a stretch even for Antrim. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm as I promise.

Explorer Tom Holy Cross Church in Edenderry is doing its best impression of a fancy matchmaker for souls who never showed up. Built around 1900, it still thinks it’s the hottest spot in town. If anyone asks, Tom sent you on this wild goose chase.

Explorer Tom Queen Victoria statue in County Antrim is stuck in a feud with the neighbours over who actually owns the view from her balcony. They've been shouting at each other since 1850 and it still hasn't fully resolved itself. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Clonard Martyrs Memorial is sick of people asking if the walls are actually load-bearing or just for show. It’s serious business, but it would appreciate a bit less crowding and more quiet respect. Bring a flask of something warm and a story to swap.

Explorer Tom The Peace Wall is currently mediating a dispute between two fairies over who gets the best parking spot on the sidewalk. It’s serious business when the stakes are this low but the shouting is incredibly high. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late.

Explorer Tom Black Mountain looks down on Belfast from about 389 metres, which is high enough for me to pretend I know every street below. I do not. This basalt hill held military training and communications work for much of the late twentieth century, when public wandering was restricted. The National Trust bought most of it with neighbouring Divis in 2004, cleared more than a thousand tonnes of debris and opened paths the next year. A floating path across sensitive ground helps walkers reach the heights without trampling the hill into mud. I would build a shortcut from my house, then be told to take it up again. The broadcasting station is working ground, so follow the public routes and keep away from fences. In clear weather the view can reach Lough Neagh, the sea and even Scotland. Point at the city with me, then see how quickly I admit I cannot name that road.

Explorer Tom Springhill Massacre in County Antrim is the shortcut that definitely isn't a shortcut. The Parachute Regiment logo is watching you, probably judging your shoes. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and absolutely no plans.

Explorer Tom Garden of Remembrance is quiet enough to hear a poet falling into a ditch nearby, which must be exactly what happened last spring. It’s a lovely spot to stand and feel like a deep thinker, but pretend it's yours and plan the housewarming in your head while you're there.

Explorer Tom Battle at Springmartin is where an over-enthusiastic matchmaker once tried to pair off two rival armies with a shared pint and a stern look. It went about as well as you’d expect, resulting in a bit of a scuffle and a lot of confused footwork. Visit, then text me what you think. I'll pretend to read it.

Explorer Tom Divis has spent years looking over Belfast while Belfast looks back at that great mast on its head. At 478 metres it is the highest of the city's hills, with moorland stretching toward neighbouring Black Mountain. The land was under military control from 1953 until the National Trust took over in 2004, giving walkers a much better answer to "can we go up?" Four named trails now spread across the slopes: Lough, Summit, Heath and Ridge. I would pick Summit for the bragging rights and then pretend the wind made me turn around. Keep an eye out for skylarks and, with luck, a peregrine above the open ground. Use the marked public trails and check current conditions before heading up; boggy hills can turn a short stroll into a lesson in footwear. The city view is grand, but listen for the birds before you claim the hill is quiet.

Explorer Tom The Crown Bar in County Antrim gave up beer for Lent but secretly hoarded a few pints under the counter. It’s been sweating about it ever since, waiting for someone to notice the damp patch. Take a breath of that air, it's older than your car.

Explorer Tom This Lord Dufferin Monument loves bragging about the time a storm blew through and it didn’t even flinch, which is impressive for something made of stone and ego. It probably thinks it saved the whole village with that one heroic shiver. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm as I promise.