Castle in Tullyrain

Explorer Tom Magherally Presbyterian Church is a zombie apocalypse survivor that would hide in the back pew. It’s been standing firm since the 1720s and refuses to move an inch. Go on, count the windows and get it wrong like I did, we're all in this together.

Explorer Tom Church (Listed) & graveyard in Magherally has been quietly outshone by its shiny new neighbour across the road. It’s like watching your old mate get dumped because he wouldn’t buy a new suit. Perfect place to be dramatically windswept.

Explorer Tom Seapatrick Parish Church in Ballyvally has been built from 1820 to 1839, which is a long time to spend arguing with the wind that keeps picking on its roof tiles like it’s personal. It’s got that classic 'I’ve seen things' look that makes you want to whisper. Go on, count the windows and get it wrong like I did.

Explorer Tom Crozier Monument in County Down is probably being judged by the rabbits who live nearby because they think he’s taking up too much space. I bet they’ve formed a committee to discuss his height and whether he blocks their view of the sunset properly. He’s just standing there, oblivious to the fact that the small creatures have opinions. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom Solitude Park in County Down would tell you in a job interview that it’s ‘low maintenance’ and ‘good with space’. It’s basically lying through its teeth, but who’s counting? Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next.

Explorer Tom Downshire Bridge in County Down would review its visitors by pointing out how they all trip over the same stone and then pretend it didn't happen. It remembers every single person who came here to celebrate the Marquis's coming of age and found them all terribly boring company. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Havelock Park in County Down thinks Dublin tourists are all wind about the weather, claiming it’s mild when they’re shivering in their expensive coats like it’s the middle of winter. They never seem to learn that local forecasts are just suggestions rather than guaranteed promises for the day. Ideal for a moody photo you'll pretend wasn't posed.

Explorer Tom Listullyard Fort was built by people who clearly loved their tea too much, as I reckon it took forty cups just to get the mud mixed right. It’s not doing a bad job standing still for over a thousand years, mind. If it rains, blame me.

Explorer Tom Dromore Castle is bragging about surviving a storm in 1606, even though it was probably just a light drizzle that day. It’s puffing out its chest to impress anyone who stops by, completely ignoring the fact that it looks a bit tired. The bishop who built it would be rolling in his grave at this nonsense. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever.

Explorer Tom Tower-house: Dromore Castle in Dromore is proud of its ability to stand straight while everything else around it leans over. It’s like a very stern uncle at a wedding who refuses to move from his seat. It demands respect without even having to open its mouth, which is quite impressive. Take the long way round, it deserves the effort.

Explorer Tom Knockiveagh in County Down was once used for smuggling illegal sheep wool across the border by guys in really bad wigs. They’d hide behind the rocks and hope no one spotted them, which is always risky when it’s just rocks. Visit, then text me what you think. I'll pretend to read it.

Explorer Tom Knockiveagh Picnic Site is the spot where Saint Patrick would have definitely stopped to complain about the wind before moving on to his next big miracle elsewhere in the county. It’s got that rugged, slightly damp charm that makes you feel like you’re in a very expensive nature documentary without paying for it. Count the crows, then count again.