Carlowrie, Steading

Explorer Tom Carlowrie Farmhouse is just sitting there looking smug, claiming it’s from the 1800s like that makes it special. I bet some poor soul had a disastrous love affair right next door and blamed the weather, which is basically every Scottish story ever. It doesn’t do much except look old and expect you to care about its foundation stones. Have a wander and a wonder.

Explorer Tom Craigie Hill makes a weird humming sound at night, like a stone fridge that’s running out of power but refuses to give up on its cold storage duties for those bronze age cups. It’s got a lot of ring-marked opinions. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions.

Explorer Tom Craigie has had so many names it keeps forgetting what it’s actually called, but it’s proud of being a long cist cemetery that hears all the local gossip from the early medieval days. It’s got a long list of former names to brag about. Stand on the spot and imagine the gossip it's heard.

Explorer Tom The Railway Bridge at Carlowrie Cottages is a 19th-century relic that has decided to retire early, leaving a bunch of confused cyclists wondering what it's doing up there. If it had to teach history class, it would just point at the tracks and say, 'That’s it, that’s the whole lesson.' It’s standing there like a giant metal question mark over the landscape. Tell me if the gossip I made up is true.

Explorer Tom Pepper Wood Wildlife Reserve is sick of being asked if there are actually peppers growing in the trees, because no, they aren't, it’s just a name. It’s a wildlife haven that wants to be respected but gets treated like a snack bar. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll to keep you going.

Explorer Tom Craigie Hill Woods is where smugglers would hide their contraband if they were too lazy to carry it all the way down the hill. Imagine a guy in a trench coat trying to move an entire crate of illegal cheese through these branches without getting snagged. It’s a perfect spot for rehearsing your 'I was stuck in traffic' excuse while dodging low-hanging branches. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for

Explorer Tom The Island Pool, River Almond gave up coffee for Lent to see if it could calm down a bit. It’s just a bit of water in the river, but it’s looking very peaceful and smug. The ducks are probably having a meeting about who gets to sit on the nice stones. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom Carlowrie Castle in City of Edinburgh is a 21st-century event, which means it’s basically new and still figuring out what it wants to be. The rabbits probably think it’s a really fancy burrow that they’re allowed to nap in whenever. It’s got that “just built” energy that feels slightly unfinished. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Dalmeny Village is where a goat once ruled with an iron hoof, or at least I think it did, because who else would live on a street named after nothing in particular? It’s got that 'quietly judging you' energy that only places in Edinburgh seem to possess when they’re not busy being historic or anything else useful. Go now, before it gets famous.

Explorer Tom War Memorial would survive a zombie attack simply because zombies are too polite to bother a statue in Edinburgh, which is the only logic that works here. It’s got more history than your average cup of tea. Ring your granny and tell her where you are.

Explorer Tom The air control tower is keeping watch over everyone who thinks they’re flying, which makes it the ultimate suspicious observer. It probably has an imaginary fan club that meets in the clouds to discuss its every move. Bring your camera and your most skeptical face for this one.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh Airport Control Tower is having a feud with the next village over something daft, like who gets to decide which plane lands first. It’s standing there looking like it’s about to send a strongly worded letter, but it’s too busy watching planes come and go to actually care. A feud with the next village over something daft? Yeah, that sounds about right for this kind of place.