Calary Graveyard

Explorer Tom Calary Church is so idyllic the local rabbits think it’s a really fancy rabbit hutch they can’t afford. They’re probably holding council meetings under the hedge to discuss its architectural superiority. G-give them a wave, but don’t let them borrow your umbrella for their next meeting.

Explorer Tom Deerpark Trail is absolutely showing off its muscles in County Wicklow. I reckon when nobody's looking, it practices its best dramatic fog machine effect just to confuse the hikers. Ideal for a moody photo you'll pretend wasn't posed.

Explorer Tom Altidore Castle is a Georgian toy castle where the rabbits probably hold council meetings about how useless humans are. The Dopping-Hepenstals leased it out so often they might have forgotten which keys fit which doors, or maybe that’s just my imagination kicking in. Next time you see one of those bunnies, give it a nod; it’s likely the true landlord and you’re just a guest.

Explorer Tom Giant Sequoia in County Wicklow was where a priest lost a bet involving a bottle of whiskey and a bet on whether he could hug it. He hugged, he won, and now he’s very proud of his sticky arms. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom Powerscourt Waterfall in County Wicklow is hoarding a century-old scandal about a secret kiss right behind that roaring curtain of water. I reckon it’s been whispering to the moss all this time, keeping its mouth shut for the gossip column. Have a chat with it, nobody's watching.

Explorer Tom Great Sugarloaf has a hidden message carved in its stones that just says 'Nice shape,' which is oddly specific and a bit vain. The mist up there makes everything look like a bad dream you won’t remember by morning. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom Great Sugar Loaf is named because someone in the pub bet two lads they couldn’t eat a whole loaf of bread, which seems like a stretch given its size. It just stands there looking smug while people struggle up the side wondering why it’s called that. Pop by and tell it it's looking well.

Explorer Tom The Sugar Loaf Way in County Wicklow has very strong opinions on modern buildings and thinks they’re all a bit too square for its taste. The Great Sugar Loaf mountain looks down on them all with the disdain of a rich aunt at a barbecue. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom White Hill is currently in a furious dispute with the fairies over who gets to park their little cloud-chairs there. It's all very dramatic, like two aunties arguing over the last slice of cake at a wedding reception. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late to work tomorrow.

Explorer Tom Monkey-puzzle in County Wicklow hears everything you say through its weird, spiky walls and judges you for it. It’s basically the tree version of that one aunt who knows too much about your business. Pretend it's yours and plan the housewarming.

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Kilmacanoge South would get 'Finally some peace' on its tombstone because it’s had enough of the stream running past all day long. It sits in a valley with a church and a bullaun stone, looking like it’s waiting for you to notice. Stick around for the light changing, it's a show.

Explorer Tom J.B. Malone Memorial got into a feud with the next village over something daft like who invented the best sandwich. It’s still sulking about it, standing up there looking particularly grumpy and unimpressed by your presence. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice, because you’re going to need it soon.