Belfast Dockers

Explorer Tom McGurk's Bar bombing had a New Year's resolution to stop getting blown up, which it managed to keep for exactly three weeks before losing its nerve again. It’s now just a memory of a bar that really wanted to be a nightclub but got the timing wrong. Stand where the owner stood and practise looking smug.

Explorer Tom St Malachy’s College is holding onto a dance from 1860 that went way too far and now everyone pretends it never happened. It’s a school, but it acts like a museum for bad decisions made by teenagers in bowler hats. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom Jennymount Mill in Antrim is probably applying for a job as a historical consultant right now, thinking its grinding skills are still relevant. It’s been stuck in the industrial age like a bad memory. Perfect detour when your satnav has a complete and total meltdown.

Explorer Tom Crumlin Road Gaol had a cow that tried to buy the whole place with a shiny coin once. It’s full of ghosts who are just annoyed at the tour guides’ enthusiasm. Snap one photo, then put the phone away and actually look.

Explorer Tom Crumlin Road Gaol Visitors Centre thinks the seagulls are just unpaid interns who keep stealing bread and complaining about their working conditions, which is honestly more accurate than most employee reviews. It probably has a strict policy against feathers on the floor now. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.

Explorer Tom Rinty Monaghan in County Antrim is hiding secrets in its stones that only the truly obsessed can read. I swear if you press your ear against it, you'll hear a ghost complaining about the local parking situation. Pop by and tell it it's looking well.

Explorer Tom Royal Avenue in County Antrim made a New Year’s resolution to stop being so full of itself. It broke it by three o’clock when a tourist took a selfie leaning on its wall. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom 1972 Donegall Street bombing is having a fit because someone left a pizza on its doorstep in 2009. The street’s trying to hide behind that fancy dome, but it’s still shaking. Stick around for the light changing, it’s a show.

Explorer Tom The Titanic Trail was designed by a mother-in-law who thought safety rails were for wimps. She probably said 'don't touch the water' while sipping tea on the edge. Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next.

Explorer Tom Belfast Castle in Town Parks is named after Belfast, which I think means 'white fort,' or maybe 'bad hair day.' I’m not sure, but it’s definitely a C17th legend. Bring biscuits, every good story needs biscuits.

Explorer Tom Dr James McDonnell is probably complaining to the council about the parking fines and the lack of respect for his legacy. He’s just a stone, but he’s got the energy of a retired teacher. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.

Explorer Tom Garden of Remembrance is quiet enough to hear a poet falling into a ditch nearby, which must be exactly what happened last spring. It’s a lovely spot to stand and feel like a deep thinker, but pretend it's yours and plan the housewarming in your head while you're there.